It was some time coming and I had to make the choice of my well-being, my mental stability, and being really able to stand up for myself.

I was definitely someone that was outgoing. I would say I was a social butterfly but I was outgoing and when I moved and got married I think I lost a bit of myself. Some of my friends did say they noticed the change. They didn’t really see the vibrance in me anymore.

I had to take stock of the person I was being in front of my boys. Looking back, I wanted to be the dutiful wife, I wanted to be the supportive wife. If that isn’t reciprocated it’s a really hard position to be in.

I had been involved in a lot of things before. I was a playwright when I was in New York. I had always wanted to make my mark on the world. I had ambitions for myself.

I was the person who would not let anything bog me down. It got to the point where I could see I was really losing myself. I had issues with anxiety. I was losing my strength.

My tenacity has come back. My go-getter attitude has come back. I’d say I’m the risk-taker of my family.

I had to walk in my truth and me being able to walk in my truth gave me this new perspective of life. I needed to show my children who their mother is. I needed to wake up that person who had been lying dormant for years.

I would say I found my purpose. My purpose was no longer trying to build someone else up, I had to build me up.

Once you find your purpose you regain the respect for yourself you see that you can actually go ahead and do the things you didn’t think you could. You can hold your head higher.

There is resilience when you don’t give up on yourself.

My mom passed a week ago and she was my biggest cheerleader. She fought her way all the way to the end. My mom was always a go-getter. She never stopped learning. She never stopped giving.

I need to have someone that is strong in themselves and is able to be my rock. At the end of the day, I want to be able to come home and not just be a wife but be a girlfriend.

Sometimes you need to take the title out of it and just treat the person you are with well. At the end of the day, the family unit is really about support.

Sometimes you have to step out of being a mom, of being a wife and remember that you’re still you. Being a mom and a wife doesn’t define you. What would people say about me when I pass? That’s something I really looked up to my mother for.









In reflecting I found that I’ve always been Suddenly Single. It has been a series of patterns and different behaviors, but I think the biggest shock to my system was my divorce in 2012.

I had this history of thinking the relationship is the answer. The man is going to solve my problems, the man is going to fix everything…to be this magical thing that is going to make everything perfect.

On paper or on social media it looked like I had it all, and for that to be taken away from me, I just was in a really hard spot.

I’ve always been that go-getter. Since elementary school, the interior side, the intimate side, the relationship side is where I struggled. For me, I was being dragged through the mud and not letting go. I was being treated horribly but I allowed it to happen over time.

I remember as I was going through the divorce process asking everyone I know how long is this going to take to get over?

What am I supposed to do without that man I have tied my happiness and everything to?

Now seeing I’m enough just as is, I don’t have to hustle for worthiness. I can hustle because I want to create jobs, I can hustle because I want to live this extraordinary life and the fundamental thing is that I deserve it. Getting to a point of knowing I deserve it has been an 8-year journey, not even a 2-year journey.

In terms of the intimate, what I’m bringing to the table, it’s my fears and my worries and my addiction to almost rejection and abandonment.

The men I have dated and married have been equally as unavailable as I was.

Going deep meant I had to address myself.

I found this emotion wheel and I was able to look at that wheel and label what I was feeling. I was able to look at what am I feeling for real and why am I feeling that? Think of a time in my life when I felt that. Going deep means being present and noticing what’s happening and not just reacting.

It took me years to get to I just didn’t feel good about myself and I just didn’t value myself. Pay attention. Let it be the lesson. Let it be the mirror.

If they’re not treating you the way you deserve to be treated it’s because you’re not treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated.

Every day there’s going to be a test. I head the saying, the lesson repeats as needed.

Moving forward if I meet someone and they’re not investing in me and if they’re not on the level I’m okay with saying this isn’t working out.

I’ve always wanted that relationship where my partner is so proud. I’ve always craved that.

I’m working on my own fulfillment. I’m filling up my own cup first.

When you do the work and see that we’re all on our own journey we literally cannot meet the needs of the other person because we have to figure it out ourselves.

Happiness and joy are an inside job but it’s also a zero-sum game. Anybody in your circle is either adding to you or taking away.

I cried so, so much. Again it was not feeling like I was a priority and not feeling like I was good enough. The feelings of not being good enough were cyclical.

I give myself a day to feel sorry for myself and then I inch my way out. It’s hard. You have to know that you can do it. The easiest thing to do when you’re heartbroken and upset is to find another fix.

You have to embrace the suck and just work through it.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all felt that pit in our stomach. That feeling like our soul had been taken out of our body. We’ve all cried until our eyes can’t even open. You can choose to stay there and feel sorry and be sad or you can choose to use that sadness and what you’re feeling to grow and evolve.

I promise you can get through it. You’re stronger than you think you are. You have what it takes. It’s just tapping into it and then letting it go.









I found myself Suddenly Single twice. In 2011 my husband passed from leukemia. It was expected but still, it was pretty devastating. Then, after 2-years of not wanting to date, I met someone and he died unexpectedly and I found him. I dealt with both very differently. What my reaction was and what I did to make myself whole again.

I’ve always had an incredible support group.

When he [my husband] died, I needed to move out of my house. I wouldn’t sleep in the bedroom. It took a while, even after I moved out and bought a new place to feel comfortable sleeping in the bedroom.

All of a sudden I was on my own. We were together for 32-years. I had to learn to navigate alone. I did really well during the week. But then Saturday night would come and that was always the hardest for me because it was the one day of the week we always made sure was our date night no matter what was going on. That was our time together.

I feel like I have a strong faith and I feel like he was always watching over me. I knew no matter what I was going to be okay. He had my back still.

I had joined a networking friend of women and they basically took over my life that first week. I never felt alone even though I felt alone. I knew there were people in my life I could call on but it still didn’t take away that feeling of being alone.

I was gearing up for that 1-year anniversary and I did okay. I woke up the next morning and said oh my goodness, it’s now the second year and nothing had changed. Now, what do I do? That was really difficult. I had a really bad day that day. I’m still alone, now what do I do? I decided to take better care of myself.

Just don’t forget the person.  Even though they are in their new norm, it’s still not the norm they’re used to.

I cried through everything I did. I spent a lot of time crying on the phone to people.

The second was a very sudden loss. I met him 2-years after I lost my husband.

We really had a nice time. We didn’t live together but we spent every weekend together, we talked every day. We took vacations together and spent the holidays. We had a really good relationship.

He had a very stressful job and I could see it wearing on him physically. I took in that stress and gained a lot of weight.

When he passed, I knew something had happened because we had been on the phone. I got in the car and went up and found him. I attempted CPR and called 911. I know stress can take somebody’s life. That really floored me. That was so unexpected for me, plus we weren’t married so there was nothing for me to do. It was a lot of sitting around and waiting to see what was going to happen.

Luckily I have a group of friends who stepped up and took care of me.

I had purpose after my husband died. I kind of felt like we didn’t have that legacy yet and what do I do with myself? I saw my doctor and she said you need to lose weight.

Everyone has their own special place and mine is water. So, I traveled every single month. I basically went visiting friends. I continued to lose weight and continued to get healthier and healthier. I needed me to find my purpose.

I’ve never had a problem being alone. Lonely is another thing and there is a difference. I can be by myself very comfortably but I love being with other people.

I’ve had my ups and downs. I have people that I talk to all the time. It’s going to be what it’s going to be.

Try to remember the person you were before you were with that person. Try to remember the light you had or the gifts you had because you weren’t with that person from the time you were born. I think trying to remember that makes a huge difference. Remember you’ve had love before. You’ve had people in your life before. This is not the end-all.









We met because we were going to the same Officer’s Selection office. We hit it off and started dating.

This was a classic case of it being my first love and for me wanting very badly for it to be the one and only. It was my first boyfriend, it was my first serious relationship and

We dated for a good 5-6 years off and off. There were signs this wasn’t the right relationship for both of us. There were little things that were not quite gelling. But I just wanted it so bad.

When you want it so badly you can’t necessarily see that maybe this isn’t the greatest fit for you.

We finally got engaged. I was so excited to tell my family but I was nervous to share this news with our friends. I sort of played it off.

I knew when I told my friends they were going to have some concerns because we had been off and on for so many years and we just never seemed to be able to stick it out for a good amount of time.

I threw myself into planning because that’s what you do. It was a way to ignore the knowledge that people maybe didn’t know whether or not this was actually going to happen.

We were with our wedding planners and he asked, how do you know if it’s just cold feet?

They were very diplomatic about it.

He was being reassigned and had to move for work and he didn’t feel right about me coming with him and he didn’t feel right about moving forward with the wedding. There’s a lot of heartbreak and a lot of wine that goes into finding that out.

I had to go to work the day after and folks noticed I wasn’t wearing my ring. I had to be not devastated about it because it’s work and you can’t be losing your composure in the middle of a bank.

It was absolutely devastating. Luckily my parents are here and I was able to go home and be somewhere where I could disappear a little bit. It took a very long time to get over it.

I did not realize that I had been healing. The Navy chaplain pointed it out. It was just happening.

It was something I wasn’t focused on specifically. If I were to have focused on it exclusively it would have been harder. It’s like going to sleep. When you go to sleep your body is able to restore itself.

Letting my mind and my body so it’s work without me getting in my own way…it was an incredible gift that he gave me. I really appreciate it.

It’s really important to believe in compromise without loss. You can’t lose yourself. There are certain things you don’t compromise on and I call them my non-negotiables. I ask myself, if I negotiate on this is it going to take away from who I am as a person?

There are so many things that go into building you, you can’t budge on that. Just learning what it is I’m willing to compromise on and what I’m not was a huge thing for me.

When that relationship ended I had conversations with friends of mine who said to me that when I was in that relationship I was less myself and I was losing pieces of myself.

When I met my now-husband he said to me, sometimes you get puzzle pieces that look like they fit together perfectly but for some reason, they just don’t. Maybe I’m the better puzzle piece for you? I loved that so much that I put that in our wedding vows.

You’re going to find that perfect match for you.









I’ve been single now for just over a year, and it’s probably one of the most defining times of my life. It’s been helping me to define myself.

I started having some therapy and that’s helped me to identify some patterns in my relationship history.

I suppose in this last year what I’ve been trying to do is explore how all those past experiences up until this point have affected how I see the world and the way I interact with other people and also the way I approach relationships in general.

I’ve been married twice. At the age of 36, it’s really easy to judge yourself based upon that. Having therapy has helped me to understand what my biggest challenges have been in relationships.

Part of what is making me feel so fulfilled right now is gaining a better understanding of myself.

Historically I’ve always been in a relationship since I left university. I’ve found it a bit tough to settle down and now that I am Suddenly Single and I’m taking the time to understand myself I feel like I’m going to be a much more rounded person when I am ready to start dating again.

Before experience has been pretty much centered around trying to find someone who makes me feel secure. You can grow up in a home full of love and still not feel completely secure.

That combination of love without security and bullying and so on meant that when I started dating any kind attention was a confidence boost for me and finding myself going along with things and getting swept up in the mire.

This is very personal stuff for me and I’m okay talking about it now because of all the work we’ve done in therapy to accept and be kind to yourself and not judge yourself. I spent a very long time judging myself and my behaviors after I left school.

I started to try to understand attachment styles in relationships. I started to think about what kind of attachment style I wanted.

I was searching for that secure base and for someone to put their arms around me so that I didn’t have to feel so bad about my past. If we had been talking about this a year ago I would not have been able to have this maturity of conversation about it.

This year has been a real period of reflection and very deep investigation…self-investigation to try and actually figure out what I’m genuinely looking for in the future and what have I wanted in the past and not had, what have I given too much of in the past and what is my attachment style. How am I going to channel all that energy and all that love that I have to give in to a situation where I feel secure.

This therapy I’d been having gave me the confidence to say to this gentleman this is not an arrangement that works for me.

I took some anger away from that situation. I said you have made me feel worthless, you have made me feel used, and you have actually made me feel like I just don’t matter in any way at all, but thank you because I’ve also discovered that I’m not okay with feeling like that anymore and I’m actually strong enough to tell you that I’m angry with you for making me feel this way.

I think I’m learning that just because someone thinks you’re good looking or thinks you look hot that night you don’t have to necessarily jump up and sleep with them or kiss them. In learning to be kinder to myself I’ve learned to have more respect for myself. That self-respect has not come naturally in my formative years. It has arrived much later in my 30’s because of the opportunity I’ve had to explore all of this within my own psyche.

I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 29, just after I had married my first husband and I had an 18-month old daughter. I felt very isolated and alone when dealing with it. The marriage didn’t really get through that.

After that, I did meet someone new. It happened in a whirlwind. It was complicated and I started to discover he was becoming controlling very slowly very subtly. It made me very anxious.

If I sit around moping I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. There was this pressure to get back to normal. My body was far from okay.

I was an anxious wreck. He had convinced me I was abusive and I was a bully. I just ended up retreating more and more and more into myself.

I realized I’d also made myself a cubbyhole to remind myself of my achievements because in the rest of the house I was so insecure and worried about myself and worried that I was a bad person, and a bad wife, and a bad mother and just generally a horrible person.

It was when I came to that realization that this is what that relationship had done to me that’s when I ended it.

That whole notion of figuring yourself out has been fundamental in understanding and coming to terms with what happened to me physically but also in terms of my relationships as well.

The encouragement I can give you is, you don’t have to put up with that. Communicating effectively means telling the other person if you’re not happy, what they’re doing and the impact it has on you.

Having a bit of kindness towards yourself and instead of dismissing your own feelings actually acknowledging them.

There are countless people who are in the same situation as you are right now. There are places where you can be heard that are safe.









I wasn’t suddenly single. I had been single, I just didn’t realize it.

It was a realization that I had been in a marriage all by myself.

I had married a person that I knew, even up to the night before our wedding, that I shouldn’t be marrying. Everything within me told me it was the wrong thing to do.

The thing is, I didn’t trust what I knew.

What I later learned is that my self-value, not my self-esteem, was in the basement.

My really good friend said to me, before you get into another relationship, you need to understand why you got into that one. I told him he was making no sense.

You need to understand why your standards were so low that you would accept being in something you knew you shouldn’t be in.

Self-value is the private decisions you make. Taking better care of them than yourself.

We don’t always know that we form values based on what’s modeled.

Why would I allow myself to be treated less than I should be treated, not by other people, but by myself?

I realized I was a person who was always sewing into other people’s wellbeing and I did not give myself that same consideration. Why did I not feel I was worthy of the same treatment I gave other people? I looked at his needs before I looked at my own.

In life, I have never been lonelier than when I was in that marriage. He gave me everything he had to give, it just wasn’t what I needed. It wasn’t how I needed to be loved. That wasn’t his fault, it was mine, for putting myself in a position that was not going to meet my needs.

I didn’t really know myself. What did I like to do? Everything I did was focus on other people’s needs. I had to find Valeri. I learned, I explored.

The people who know me well would find it surprising to know I knew so little about myself at such a critical time in my life. I just didn’t realize on the surface that I didn’t know what I needed.

The hard part of being in a marriage that you shouldn’t be in (for me) was I’d made this commitment and I took it seriously. I found myself committed to the commitment. Come hook or crook I was going to die in this marriage because that’s what I said.

It wasn’t until I started realizing I’d completely lost who I was that I knew the only way I was going to continue to live, was to get out of it.

I’d completely lost contact with my inner being.

I had done something that was horrible for who I was and who I needed to be. I did not allow myself to see that the two of us together would never grow.

I know who it is I need to be with for me. I am a complete person all by myself.

I know for sure who I am and I know there is a person who is designed to be with me and the two of us together will be exponentially better than we were by ourselves, even though we were still whole people by ourselves. I am purposefully particular.

When I say criteria it’s not a list, it’s an awareness.

If you don’t have standards you will never meet them.

If you’re not growing you’re dying. Trust your gut. It is telling you something. Listen to it.









It was after I was divorced. You’re in this place where dating is not the same anymore. You’re a little dejected.

I reconnected with an ex from my past. That was red flag number one.

I think we all have that one person who gets on your nerves but you can’t do without them…you can’t breathe without them.

I kept giving him so many more chances than he should have had and there were so many red flags along the way. When it finally ended it ended without my knowledge.

I go in the house and everything looked the same but something felt eerie and that’s when I walked upstairs, walked into the closet, and everything was gone. He completely just took the day, packed up everything, and left.

I was confused. I tried to call him but he’d blocked me. He’d blocked me on the phone and on social media so there was no way I could get ahold of him. We didn’t have a fight or anything. It was just one of those things where you’re sitting there wracking yourself thinking what did I do? What did I do? I was in shock.

Six months to the date I got a call at midnight and it was from him. He kept calling. Funnily enough, I had met someone else. Five years later, here I am in that relationship.

From a young age, I wanted the soulmate twin flame relationship. I kept forcing it like a lot of women do. I got so caught up in that I was willing to date people who were not for me.

On my vision board it said, attract your soul mate with Reiki. The first time I met him he came in to get a Reiki session from me.

To move from friends to dating was tricky.

We were sitting on my couch. There was this one moment where it just got quiet. I looked at him, he looked at me and there was just that feeling.

There was this heat that was building between us. We had that look and he kissed me. We kissed for four hours.

Allow yourself to grieve. Don’t try to get back on the saddle too quickly. Don’t try to be okay too quickly. Don’t try to carry on with life too quickly. Allow yourself to get as messy as you need. Allow yourself to fully, fully grieve, and then allow yourself to pick yourself back up.









It was 22-years in the making to become Suddenly Single. It wasn’t too sudden.

Through all of the counselors and talks with my friends, the question is how do you make that decision to leap off that bridge and it’s tough.

Everybody said nobody can tell you when it’s time. Only you will know that. I kept thinking somebody was going to say something to me that made me have this epiphany. It really wasn’t about that. It was about me becoming ready and becoming confident and building myself up to feel like I could do it.

It’s been about 3-years before I really left, actually probably more like 5-years. It was about building up my confidence again and I think there are a lot of women who can relate to the fact that being married they lost their identity or being a mom they lost their identity.

Over 22-years I really lost myself, so the last 5-years before I really jumped ship I looked at myself and thought, who am I? I’ve become a person I don’t recognize.

My blog was about finding me. Who am I? Who do I want to be and the more confident I became and the more I found myself the more I was able to step off the bridge and become single.

For the last year and a half, I can do what I want, I can say what I want, I can wear what I want, I can be friends with who I want and nobody can tell me otherwise. Its been just amazing.

There was definitely some pointing of fingers but it all comes out in the end. That was the biggest struggle for me…are my kids going to be okay?

My kids see me happier and my kids see my ex happier and they see us being who we should be and they understand it so much better. My daughter is so happy for me.

It’s staying true to yourself and you really have to dig deep. You have to know what is going to make you happy. You start doubting yourself. You start wondering, is it me? Did I do something wrong? Is there something I could have done better? You really have to do some soul searching.

It doesn’t have to be that you’re a bad person and I’m a good person. It could be that it just doesn’t work. Showing your children a bad relationship doesn’t work either.

Life is long and life is short. When you’re on this journey, you really don’t know where that journey is going to go until you are on it.

I spent my whole life out of the house. I never wanted to be home. Home should be that place that you want to be and feel relaxed and feel happy and for me, it was anxiety and stress and depression.

It was a terribly hard decision to make and I don’t take marriage lightly. I never thought I would be a divorced woman. At the end of the day, I don’t want to feel like I don’t want to come home.

Now I can make whatever decision I want and become fully independent which I have never been. A lot of women end up staying because they are scared.

Initially, I left and felt like I was on top of the word. Telling your spouse you’re done is the worst moment of your life. Then the day comes and you move out and it’s so empowering. Then as the different hurdles come up it’s traumatizing. Depending on the day there’s ups and downs but in life there are ups and downs.

My mom would say to me, Julie nothing is easy. If you stay it’s not going to be easy and if you go it’s not going to be easy. For all of the fear that I had, the one thing I can say is that it’s better on the other side. That being said, I don’t want women to think it’s an easy thing to do because it’s not.

Put everything into it to see if you can save it. I put everything I had into it to try and save it. Not just once, not just twice, but three times. It’s not easy.

On paper, everything looked great but I really didn’t know what love was. I just didn’t know anything.

My relationship with my boyfriend now, I am just so at peace with him. We’re so relaxed and enjoy just doing nothing together. In 22-years together I never felt comfortable sitting on a couch next to my husband.

He wasn’t meeting my needs so, therefore, I couldn’t meet his needs. My ex was never willing to listen. It takes two to tango. Relationships are hard.

I was so scared. Thinking I would be alone for the rest of my life kept me there.

Nobody knows what’s going on inside anybody’s marriage. To have everything and have nothing all at the same time made it really difficult. That’s what I had.

Your own peace and your own happiness are exponentially more important than any materialistic thing you can own. At the end of the day if you’re not at peace with yourself your life is nothing. You have to go and do some really deep soul searching.









I was 35-years old. My wife informed me she wanted a divorce. She was dating another guy and didn’t want to be with me anymore. It really kind of caught me off guard.

To just be told out of the blue more or less I want a divorce is a bit of a punch to the stomach. Quickly I had to figure out, well what do I want to do?

We didn’t have kids yet…I wanted kids. It was like, how do I restart my life?

It was a lot of struggle and a lot of crying myself to sleep at night and wondering where I went wrong and thinking I was a failure but I made it through on the other side.

I felt like my dreams were being crushed and I didn’t know what was going on so I kept the same job and I went in every day like a zombie. It probably took me 6-8 months before I pulled myself out of a dark hole. It took a while.

I started consuming a lot of podcasts and spending a lot of time working on my podcast and watching a lot of movies on Netflix.

Between that and dating I blacked so much of that out that really the big turning point for me was when I met my wife Krissie.

I was about ready to give up and my mom just kept telling me, hey Chris all it takes is one.

I knew of my wife from the stand-up comedy scene. I wanted to bring her on my podcast and interview her but I had a crush on her so I was too scared to talk to her. I found out she kind of liked me as well. It was funny. We were both kind of ignoring each other.

I stumbled upon her profile on Tinder. We matched on Tinder and we started chatting. We’ve been really together ever since.

We ended up having a kid together. I never thought I was going to have a kid. I thought that ship had sailed. I get to be a stay at home dad. It’s just the best experience of my life. We get along great. We have our fights and our battles but it really goes back to what my mom was saying, it only takes one person to completely change your life.

One of the biggest things I love about Krissie is how supportive she is of me and everything I do. I’m a big dreamer. She’s always listening to me and cheering me on.

It’s during those really tough moments where you want to get better. I was depressed, I was anxious, I felt like my life was over but I knew that I needed to make a change. That’s when you have to dig deep and it’s hard and it’s painful and you feel embarrassed and like everyone is making fun of you but you’ve just got to do it and you’re going to feel amazing after you start putting the pieces back together.

Divorce is embarrassing. You feel like you failed at marriage and I’m no good. I can’t even do this.

Even though I knew that marriage was toxic it was still hard to admit that.

I think patience is one of the big things I’ve learned and that life doesn’t revolve around me.

You’ve got to listen. If you don’t listen a lot of times you can’t figure out how to solve the problem that they need solving.

If I could go back to that time it would be to travel more and spend more time with myself. If your goal is to find somebody else you will find somebody. I know you feel at that moment that you won’t, but you will so take a year off and just find yourself.









It feels like such a long time ago. It was basically one of those stories where you thought you fell head over heels in love with someone.

We had a daughter but it was rocky from the start. I think I wanted it to work out because we had this baby.

Finally, I came home one day and my apartment was empty. Totally empty. It took me by surprise.

I had what Oprah calls the ugly cry. Once I had that release I had this voice come to me and it said clear as day, “start a business, stupid.”

I got furniture. I wanted to create the foundation first. My uncle gave me his Jennifer Convertibles sofa.

I’m a very visual person so I would have this whiteboard and I would write out my plan. I really started being strategic. That honestly helped me to feel like I had some kind of control even though my world was turned upside down and it gave me focus.

The next thing I knew the business grew over time. As my business started to grow so did my mindset. My confidence started to really show.

I am super dope! Half joking and half not. I was able to make nothing into something. I had no idea I had it in me. Wanting her to be proud of me really became the reason behind anything.

Women, we are so resourceful. You can do amazing things once your back is against the wall.

My daughter is sixteen now and everyone dreads the teenage years, but I believe I am blessed, and lucky in that I believe her watching her mom live life she got to see the best parts of me. She did not have to look outside her home for a role model. As a consequence of that, we have a great relationship.

We have a great relationship and I think it’s in part because we had to be in it together. She’s seen how hard I worked and it made our relationship stronger.

Have your big ugly cry. Have that release because on the other side of that release you’ll have clarity.

No matter what I’m going through I always know it is temporary.

Have your release, let it out, stay strong, stay focused, and just know it’s only temporary.