Kate B: I knew he was cheating but I couldn’t prove it

January 13, 2020

I was young and dumb and got married when I was 20 and he was 19. Too young basically.

As I was getting a divorce I kind of knew he was cheating but I couldn’t prove it. Six months after our divorce was finalized I found out I had cervical cancer from HPV. That is how I found out he was cheating. The worst part was my father was terminally ill with colon cancer at the time.

To go through those three things: a divorce, your own illness, and the eventual loss of a parent and so young, I wasn’t even 25 before my Dad died. So for me, there weren’t a lot of people who understood what I went through.

I couldn’t relate to a lot of people my age, even in my early 30’s I really couldn’t. My friends tried, God bless them, and I’ve had a lot of supportive friends over the years but it was hard to connect.

There are not a lot of people who get the joy of going through three life-changing events — and we’re talking negative life-changing events in the pan of 18-months.

I wasn’t really processing it well and 3 months after my dad passed away I ended up meeting this guy and we ended up being together for two years. It should never have happened but we lived together.

That was 2000 and I literally have not been in a long-term relationship since then and it’s 2019. I had a couple of bad guys after that.

To the women, when you’re gut is telling you something is wrong, something is wrong.

I became friends with a bunch of guys and we were really just friends.

They gave me the ability to do all the things we wanted to do but I felt protected– like I was in a bubble. I really didn’t want to be bothered by guys because I was kind of shell shocked.

Take the time you need and if you need multiple years it’s okay to take that time.

I had yet to process everything I had been through in the late 90’s just pushing through and finishing college. To anybody out there, take the time you need and when you do have really good friends who are people you can rely on that’s a great time to go out and just live and have that comfort level.

I moved on in my life and I moved on in my career.

When you are ready to date you can not have male friends. When people see you out and every time you’re with guys no one is ever going to come up to you.

There were so many times I wish I got ghosted when I was younger. Isn’t that awful?

I pretty much had it lined up so that I was never single. I never dated multiple guys but I was never single for more than 4-weeks…6-weeks. I was a bad girl.

I realized a couple of years ago I could not guarantee that I wouldn’t break down on Thanksgiving day. It took almost two decades for that to happen. There was a lot of guilt. I survived and he didn’t. I was ashamed. The whole family needed him and it was really, really hard.

Sometimes you go through things when you are younger to prepare you for the bigger things that are coming at you when you’re older. I realized I went through the entire Thanksgiving weekend without crying. Maybe it was just time.

For me, it was that time alone and processing.

It was always one bad thing after another and another. Because to took me so long to step back I think I needed that amount of time to process.

If you don’t take the time to sit down and process and center yourself you’re just going to make things ten times worse if you keep going out and adding on to it and adding on to it.

You need to get to a point where you actually want to go out and get to know somebody. There were so many years I didn’t want to get to know anybody. I know my friends. That’s enough.

There are days you have to force yourself. You have to put on that smile and go out.

They say fake it ‘till you make it. Sometimes you have to fake it. It depends on the day.

The feeling of failure when you go through a divorce…I was embarrassed. It was the majority of my friends and family that attended the wedding and we got divorced so quickly after. I was just embarrassed.

You’ve got the embarrassment, you’ve got the failure…not to mention all the lovely wonderful supporting things he said to me. That stays with you for a while.

When you have the bad days it’s okay to stay in. Sometimes I think I was out too much.

I realize things were getting better when those bad days start to shrink.

I do want to get married again and it took a while.

I’m all for the separate bedroom thing or even a separate household.

We were not meant to be alone. It is fine to go get that time…take the time to heal from whatever it is you’re healing from. Take that time to heal and be alone. But at the end of the day, there is a reason prisons use solitary confinement because it is torture and it’s not healthy to be alone for a long long time.

I’m already halfway through my lifespan and what am I doing with it?

They have said for long, it’s okay to be single forever and that’s great and we’ve become super independent.

You have to find ways to take care of yourself emotionally and physically.

You’ve got to find what will ground you and give you some peace because the world’s not going to give it to you. Your friends your family…no one can give it to you. They’re going to have all these expectations that you can just shake it off.

Be patient with yourself but also silently push yourself to take a little step every day. Trust me, some days you don’t even want to get out of bed and I’ve been there.

If you’re not healthy spiritually, emotionally, mentally you’re no good to somebody else. You’ve got to heal. Because what you’ll find on the dating scene is a lot of unhealthy people who haven’t dealt with their stuff so take care of yourself…do whatever you need to do to get yourself back to a balance.

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