Carmela: Instead of dealing with my problem I became a workaholic

February 17, 2020

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was 14 when I met my ex-husband. I met him on my first day of high school.

Because I met him so young we got married pretty young. I got married when I was twenty-one.

He went off to Bootcamp and I got a phone call about a month in saying, “your husband tried to commit suicide.”

I was having a daily migraine for 3 years. Something felt super wrong. I couldn’t place what it was but something didn’t quite feel right in our relationship.

It didn’t feel like either one of us was growing. We felt super stagnant.

When we were together I didn’t feel that niceness that I fas feeling when I was by myself. When I sat down to think about it I realized we’re still doing the same things we were doing when we were eighteen and I’m twenty-five now and I don’t want to do that anymore.

It turns out I also have my own mental health issues that were untreated at the same time so I was angry a bunch.

Instead of dealing with my problem I became a workaholic. I poured myself into my work.

I didn’t like being at home. I didn’t like being at work and I was stuck. I didn’t know what to do.

I can’t think of a reason I’m not supposed to be in this relationship. But it didn’t feel right. Both of our mental health situations were getting much much worse and neither one of us was dealing with it.

I had no outlets unless I was alone in my house.

I wanted to sit down with him and I wanted to talk to him…let me try one last thing…

I finally said, “I can’t do this.” That feels super sudden but it had been a build-up for years at this point. I said, “I’m not happy, you’re not happy. We’re making each other miserable and I don’t think that I can do this.”

This had been my whole adult life. I married my second boyfriend. It’s the only thing I had ever known, really.

He had a bunch of messages on his screen from a girl’s name that I didn’t recognize.

He ended up marrying her.

I was alone for the first time in my adult life.

I don’t know what to do with myself.  I was slowly reclaiming things I liked to do. I was reading more, learning things, studying languages…all stuff that I liked to do that I’d kind of lost through this whole multi-year breakup. I started to draw more.

I rediscovered I really like to draw and paint, which was nice.

People who experience depression need something to focus on that’s not how they feel.

Don’t be so hard on yourself.

If you’re not happy and they’re not happy and you can’t figure out how to be happy together, that’s a perfectly legitimate reason to make yourself happy somehow.

You don’t have to have some huge dramatic thing to end a relationship.

Stagnation…you can’t grow from that.

Trust yourself and don’t be so hard on yourself.

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