Jo: I really thought he was my ride or die

April 20, 2020

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I met this guy in college and we started dating the summer before my sophomore year and altogether we were together for six years.

I spent six years with this guy and I really thought he was my ride or die.

There were a lot of things in that relationship that weren’t right but we weren’t acknowledging that they weren’t right. I was holding on to that first love.

I’m all in once I decide.

I was feeling this restlessness within myself. It started to really show in that relationship.

I kind of went into autopilot. The next thing I knew I was moving back into my parent’s house and he was flying to the Philippines to start medical school.

I was in it and so in love with this boy that I was ready to do whatever it took to make it work just as I had been for the past six years.

Distance is such a pressure. The bottom line was we were not on the same page. Our priorities were completely different even though we spent all this time together. Before he left he took me ring shopping.

Suddenly he told me he didn’t know if he believed in marriage. I just felt really lied to and like I’d wasted these years. This was all over messaging.

The next day it felt like someone had died. When you’re in a relationship and that invested for that long it really is like someone died in your life.

The day after the breakup I was like a zombie.

I let myself be sad. I really could not have gotten to a healthy place in my mind to accept the fact that it was okay to mourn the relationship was over without my family.

I cried. Crying turned into anger. Anger turned into I need to do something to put all this energy into. I was really lucky to have friends I could reach out to and that I felt safe reaching out to.

Being thrown into all of those things that I didn’t technically ask for specific activities, I was just asking for something to do…I ended up discovering a lot about myself. Things I had pushed down, I think in sacrifice for that past relationship where I was focusing all my time and energy on making this one person happy because I thought that would make me happy.

I’m so much more than the person I chose to be with.

I found out I really like weightlifting. I wake up at 4 am to go to the gym by 5 am. It’s insane! I don’t know who I am!

I ended up going back to my roots kind of and going back to my family’s old church. I started singing again.

From that moment it was like well, there are so many things I’m discovering about myself I need to keep going. Feeding my soul really and just seeing what else I’m capable of.

I would not have imagined I would have gone through that but as painful as it was, honestly I would not change it for the world. It would not take back the heartache because it has taken me to this wonderful journey. I couldn’t dream up what my life has transformed into following that breakup.

I met my husband through my ex years ago. They used to be roommates. We used to work on a non-profit organization together.

I was being very conscious of how I was spending my time and whom I was spending my time with. My husband Ben was part of the process of helping me discover all these things I was interested in and realizing how powerful I am as well and so our friendship deepened.

I became ready to start dating again. My biggest fear was how the hell do adults date? I’d been with this guy since I was eighteen.

I made myself make a Tinder and a Bumble. It was excruciating. I got lucky. I had no bad experiences.

It didn’t matter because apparently I already knew my future husband.

The way he asked me out was a pseudo proposal.

I didn’t go back to giving myself all up when I had built myself up to this point. I was feeling so confident in myself and so strong and powerful. I didn’t want to lose it all over again. I made sure to be very careful about going into our relationship.

He was confident. He knew exactly what he wanted and that freaked me out but it was exactly what I needed because that was not the confidence I had in that other relationship.

It was really fast but we had a friendship as the foundation.

As much as you feel like life is over and all the plans that you had…pretty much seeing that disappear in front of you…it’s okay to feel sad about that. It’s okay to let yourself mourn the end of that because it’s a sad thing to go through. But, at the end of the day, you can’t feel so sorry for yourself that you’re really holding yourself back.

Examine yourself but be kind to yourself in that process because when you’re kind to yourself in that process you can embrace what happened and be better and be ready for what’s to come.

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