I was discontent with the current situation I found myself in. It happened as epiphanies over and over again and finally, I found myself saying that I’m no longer going to be in this marriage.
I was trying to avoid the inevitable. I knew I had to get out of the marriage.
I actually sprained my ankle and that slowed things down for me which really put things in perspective for me in needing to make changes. The hardest change that I decided I had to do was to sell my home.
I started seeing a therapist.
My support system was where I found my strength. People come to me. They see me as the healer. They see me as the counselor. They come to me for advice. I want to be there for everyone else but now it was time for me to be there for me and everyone else to be there for me.
I thought what I was asking from them was too much because I was already overwhelmed with it myself and here they are just graciously coming to help me pack and help me move and to bring me stuff.
You are you and that’s your power and you are going to get through this with all of us. They are my strength. I’m scared and I don’t want to be divorced.
I ended up having to move in with one of my closest and dearest friends.
God really just aligned people who I needed at that time in my life to show me I’m not in this alone. It was a challenge for me to ask for help but I asked the right people who were able to help me. That opened up my eyes because internally I was so afraid.
I honestly thought I was going to have kids with this man and be married forever. Divorce never crossed my mind. Ever.
I thought I could get through anything with that title of marriage. I had to see clearly that yes, I love love, but love alone is not going to carry a marriage.
I felt like I needed to be active within my community. I felt like that was me giving my healing hand the world. I didn’t realize I was so focused on everyone else I was neglecting the most important person and I was trying to avoid some important decisions.
I learned that I have to get rid of the preconceived notions in my mind.
I knew we were not equally yoked, but I prayed that the love I had for that person would show them all the potential that I see in them but it was really more of a control thing that I didn’t realize I had.
I’m pretty much at a place where I believe God is love.
I didn’t feel like I was receiving any of the love languages. I thought I had so much energy and love that I could do it myself. In reality, I’m still a human being. I realized I’m in this marriage alone and that’s not a good feeling.
I know I’m an emotional person and when I’m focused on happiness and peace that’s my coping. I don’t have to face that shadow side. When you’re alone you’ve got to find a way to release that.
The whole experience was me saying I wanted to change, I wanted to be happy, I wanted peace. The whole entire time I thought it was going to change the other person into falling in love with me. I had to really dive into myself and rediscover who I was and figure out what it is I really like.
That word divorced was heavy for so long.
For me to think I was any less of a person because it’s just me was the biggest lesson.
I’m exactly where I need to be and I don’t need to judge myself for what I’m going through because in return God is going to bless me with so much more.
I learned that I wanted to control things a lot more than I should have. I learned that I might not have always been the easiest person because I didn’t feel like I was being appreciated or I didn’t feel like I was being heard. I was dealing with a non-communicator so I stopped communicating my feelings because it was like my feelings didn’t matter.
As I got out of that relationship I realized I have to communicate with everyone around me and I have to tell them how I feel.
They didn’t judge me for one second and they were so proud of me and they were there and they were saying that they would be there with me through the process and they truly were and they still are and I judged myself way too much.
The way you talk to your best friend is the way you need to talk to yourself. It’s inevitable for you to see the change and to see the glow. All I did was all that energy back into myself.
You’re not alone. You have to trust the process. As hard as it may seem yo are still here. You are still alive. Your purpose has not yet been served. You are here for a divine purpose. You have to be true to who you are.
Ask your angels for signs. Ask God to intervene. When those signs present themselves take action. Stay connected with your loved ones. Do whatever you need to do to stay sane because the outcome is going to be so profound…you are going to be so proud of yourself and your testimony will help others. That’s the part I love the most. For others to see my testimony and think, “Wow, you did it. Maybe I can move forward in this strength and make some changes in my life?”