I was married young

I was married 20 years

About halfway through we began to drift away

I started to feel like I was mourning the marriage while I was still in it

I was going through the motions

I wanted that shared responsibility of taking care of one another

I needed to make sure that I did everything that I could

I needed to know I could look at my children and say I have tried everything I can do

I cannot take care of you until I take care of myself

There was no way I could give them a healthy life

You have to prepare how you are going to step forward if that happens

It’s just like any other emergency management plan

For me, it was a clean cut

I was prepared mentally to go on with my life

When my kids have asked about my side I don’t go there

Everybody is entitled to how they feel

I stopped worrying about what everybody else thought

I evolved

You do the best you can do that particular day

Give yourself time to breathe

Ground yourself again

My mom was actually proud of me for sticking up for my kids and sticking up for myself

It’s okay to make that change

Be true to yourself

You have to remember that if you’re not happy now there is going to be a time when you are happy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was 17 and went away to college

I met this guy and it was my first love

Our lives were so intertwined

He had cheated on me and my life was turned upside down

My first love and my heart sank

I forgave him

I didn’t want to believe it

We continued to date and he continued to cheat on me

My mother knew that he had cheated on me

When I love I love hard

I was putting so much energy into the relationship

At that moment I realized he just doesn’t care

It was a very explosive relationship

I was just really sad

I walked out the door and closed it and I guarantee he thought I was coming back

After we broke up I just fell in this dark place

All of a sudden I’ve got to redefine myself again

I just almost hid

I remember being in my room and Netflixing all the time

I only left my room to go drinking or work out

I didn’t know who I was anymore

I started only leaving my room to work out

I was working out 4-6 hours a day

She said either you need to get professional health or you need to go to yoga with me

Yoga started out as a workout but it was the first time I truly had to be by myself

I didn’t know how to redefine myself so I just filled it with working out

At the time I didn’t recognize it but I fell in love with yoga

This hour of mindfulness this hour of myself doesn’t have to be about working out

I just realized it’s not my fault

I can’t blame him for the entirety of the situation

I realized in savasana I had to let this go

I really feel the power of yoga could save the world

My message to everyone is I still struggle with it to a certain extent

I still have those thoughts of I look fat

Now I have the tools on how to cope with it

I took the time to work through it

I need a routine and that’s helpful for me

I don’t know if I’ll ever fully be healed from those thoughts

Stuff is going to happen and sometimes it’s out of your control

When I have those thoughts I can acknowledge them, process them and then push them away

Know that you’re okay

Know that you’re not alone

That was my whole world

I didn’t know anything else but that world

You’re not alone and you don’t need to sugarcoat things

You’re worried about what other people will think

By saying it out loud you feel this big weight off

You can reinvent yourself 100 times and it’s going to be okay

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I proposed within 6 months and we were married within a year

Our relationship went from the first date to divorce in three years

I was at work and she had wiped out all of our accounts

She had just stolen tens of thousands of dollars out of our mutual bank account

She had planned to tell me that night at couples counseling

There is no way you should ever get engaged to anybody until you’ve been dating at least a year

I went into this relationship well aware of what I needed and what I wanted

I didn’t want to waste time

I started negotiating my non-negotiables

All of a sudden the life I had been picturing disappeared

Anything I was doing that was not processing my emotions was a distraction

I made time to process

Sometimes we don’t want to be sad but we need to be sad

It’s not as debilitating as it was

It got to a point where it didn’t stop me from living my life anymore

I was able to get to the point where I could wish her the best and mean it even though that hurt was so great

I really leaned on some of my friends who had already gone through it

One of the things I learned is I’m a pretty great person

There is someone who is going to recognize the greatness in you

Everybody has to do their full part

My ability to always land on my feet has become more apparent to me

I learned to be more patient

I learned to enjoy the ride

The only thing we had guaranteed in life is change

We need to treat every day as we are meeting a new person

She liked the idea of being married more than she liked the idea of being married to me

If you have the ability, talk it out with a therapist

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am a product of divorce

My parents have each been married three times

People can learn from our lessons

My husband had had enough and started yelling at my son and they got into a fistfight

It was the first time I’d ever seen anybody hit anybody in my family

He said I want a divorce and I’m done with you

I had no money to do anything

It took almost 9 months for him to move out

They wanted to arrest my son

I had three weeks to pack up everything in my house and move out

The last thing I ever dreamed of was having the police come to my house

There was a lot of positive thinking that needed to take place

When you’ve made the decision to leave it’s a lot easier than when someone decides to leave you

You exist but you don’t know how you’re existing you just do it

It takes time to work through all the emotions to have that closure

When you get divorced you need to put your kids in therapy

No matter what you can do anything

You can reinvent yourself

I became a new person

I focus on the things I really like and that makes life easier

Anything is possible you just have to take baby steps and eventually you will get there

It gives me a purpose

To make myself a priority is not always easy to do

It’s all about the adults setting the example for the kids

Take it one day at a time

Focus on the positives

Life isn’t over just because that person is out of your life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was from a very very small town

I came from a religious background

I met a boy and he was a bit of a bad boy

After two years he asked me to marry him

I was excited and very much in love

Two weeks after the wedding his sister knocked on my door and said I have to tell you something

I couldn’t imagine there could be anything horrible before that moment

She told me my new husband was a convicted felon and had spent 18 months in a federal penitentiary

He came in the door I confronted him and that was the first time he hit me

I didn’t really know what to do

He was instantly remorseful he said he’d never do it again I believed him

He started coming in late he started drinking more…he changed

The second time he hit me landed me in the hospital for almost two weeks

It was in the hospital bed I decided no more

I was bruised and battered and I was on a mission

In the hospital, I planned and plotted

I got out of the hospital and essentially I was single at the point

I decided I would stay with him long enough so that I could gather enough money to leave

I hired an attorney

He would call me and threaten my life telling me he would beat me with a baseball bat

I had to watch my back

I was scared but I knew I had to leave this person

I said to myself I will never again go back to that situation

I had a full-time job, a part-time job and I got another job and went to school full-time

That was at a time when police and judges didn’t take domestic violence so seriously as they do today so I didn’t have a lot of support

I had to wait two years for a divorce

Two years of stalking and being attacked

I was ashamed, I was embarrassed but I had to find a way to pick it up

I decided there had to be some good to come out of this…some way I could use this help others

I learned although my situation was horrible there were people who had it a lot worse than I did

It was uplifting for me and helped me to see my situation better

It helped me see myself as a person who could survive

Without that, I would not have met my now husband

Ultimately it all had its purpose and it worked its way out

There is no reason someone’s hand should come at you that way but at the time I felt like I deserved it

You didn’t do anything to deserve a hit or an infidelity

The counselor said to me, “You’re broken and you don’t even see the cracks.”

This brokenness that you are are what left the door open for him

I had to realize there was something in me that allowed this

A lot of what he did to me was a manipulation that started at the very beginning

What was it about me that was blinded to that

What about you allowed it?

I need to be perfect and if they knew this happened to me I’m no longer perfect

I really planned my exit and it’s important to do that

Getting a therapist was a pivotal decision

You have to take the time to think about what you’re doing and how you’re going to do it

As women, we take things on our shoulders

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We met and got married 6-7 months later

There were issues that were hidden from me or I had ignored

I worked really hard on this marriage, harder than any relationship before

I was exhausted mentally and physically

The relationship died

It was very sad and it’s still is sad when I think about it

One of the cool things I got out of our relationship was a love of thrift stores

Every time I grab a piece of clothing I remember when I bought this with her

This was my second marriage…I didn’t want to fail again

I finally came to the realization that couldn’t be the person that cured her

I finally just gave up and ended up the relationship

I started volunteering

I can spend more time with my family and more time with my friends

I feel like in the past year I’ve grown 10 years growth

I managed to lose 80 pounds

I felt like I’m nowhere near ready to consider being in a relationship again

You have to embrace the grief part

The bad days are not going to kill you

You’re going to have days where you’re sitting in a Starbucks and a song comes on and it just crushes you

Being single allows you to do those things that bring you joy

It’s so hard to end a relationship

Understand that it’s going to be hard and it’s going to take a while

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was married for 26 years  and I knew him most of my life

He had cancer and it lasted 3.5 years

I had an unbelievable wave of support

I had two children 19 and 9

Lord knows we needed to laugh

My hospice people told me for the first Thanksgiving and Christmas you need to be out of the house

We eat cheeseburgers in his honor

Music has been a good outlet for me

I have memories of us playing the music

His presence is just still there

You have a choice after someone dies of curling up in a ball

Five years later this can still hit me out of the blue

My children saved my life

The whole situation that we were in was so difficult

I said to my children, “I hope my legacy to you is showing you what a marriage really is. It’s until death do you part and it’s in sickness and in health and if you don’t take those two seriously then don’t get married.”

You learn to value things like the daily hugs

I found out I was a lot stronger than people thought

I found some sort of inner strength and God too

For the first time in my life I had money

Each morning dawns with a new reality of loss of the one who knew you best

You cannot prepare for that

The aloneness of this is profound

You need friends who won’t run away from you in fear

I would ball my eyes out until I almost threw up

You just have to constantly tell yourself it’s going to be okay

I try to look at my blessings

There are things that are good and they’re still there

I’m glad I was married that was my gift

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He had been having an affair for more than a year

I gave him a few minutes to grab a few things and kicked him out

I knew something was happening I just didn’t realize it was that

He had spent that last year gaslighting me

I did not have the most stable childhood

I’m living with someone who is making my life a lie

The structure of ideas you’ve built around your life to make it work all of a sudden dissolves

I was always very clear that I really needed to feel this

I would pull my car over to the side of the road and sob

I really wanted to move past this

I embraced minimalism

I went back to school

It feels good to be moving forward and moving past that experience

That experience doesn’t define me anymore

Right after it happened it was all I could talk about it

There will be a time when you are on the other side of it

Let it break you

Build up that foundation again

Embrace that opportunity

Feel it, feel all of it

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She was traveling a lot

I started to get jealous

I was considering hacking into my wife’s account to spy on her

I knew that wasn’t good

What would I do if I found out she was cheating on me?

A part of me wouldn’t be mad

I could use that as an excuse to end the relationship

It occurred to me that it was over

We worked out a logical separation plan

I made sure to move close so we could keep our son in the same daycare

We make it a point to be helpful to each other

I started picking up hobbies

I felt like shackles had been pulled off

I found myself doing things I didn’t know whether I would like doing or not

I wanted to do something with my life

I finally had time to start a passion project

That was the start of a very wild ride

I can get lonely like the next person but I’m an introvert

When my emotions are shut off they’re all shut off

I wasn’t feeling joy of any sort at all I actually went to counseling about it

As a really overweight person who has a hard time getting a date shutting off feels better than feeling loneliness or pain

I have to be intentional about trying to take risks and feel pain

I found out I’m a very flexible personality

This was making me really unhappy

I found myself resenting it more and more over time

I’ve learned I need to be aware of who I am

It’s interesting how we continue to learn about ourselves

It’s really easy to get down on yourself when you find yourself single

Forgive yourself for whatever your part in that relationship was

In the course of a year or two years, your life can entirely change

Operate with integrity and allow yourself to grow and be the best you can be

Just because a relationship is over doesn’t mean life is over

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I lost two relationships in a year

I thought, “What is wrong with me? Am I that horrible of a person?

I just felt anxiety and fear constantly and wasn’t a nice person to be around

When you’re in that space of holding on by any means necessary you do what you have to do

You get these feelings of unworthiness

I wasn’t going to let go no matter what

That’s a very lonely place to be

It wears you down

I grew up a pleaser

I thought I had to do things for people to like me

I didn’t feel I could commit to myself

I did a lot of deep work to overcome

We don’t want to see what’s right in front of us

I had tried to build a world around me and everything had to fit into that world

When you love someone they shouldn’t have to give up things to fit in your life

I think the biggest misconception we have in life about love is that we have to give up something

I had to learn to be with myself but not by myself

I was so depressed I didn’t care if I got out of bed

Something had to change if I was to go on

The most important person is you

You can’t give what you don’t have

I feel like crap and I don’t even want to be here

I spent a lot of time alone

Something deep within said, “This is not how your story ends.”

I started reading

I started to learn about vibration and frequency

There was so much more to life than what I had been seeing

The relationships became a learning ground that I became grateful for

We have to forgive. I had to forgive myself.

Now in my relationships I just let people be.

The only way I can be me is if people can be themselves

Once we work on ourselves our relationships get better

People are starting to see me different

I’m more approachable

The only way to get out of where we are is sometimes to take a different direction

Talk to somebody who won’t judge you

Sometimes you have to get with yourself for a moment

Sometimes doors are shut because they need to be shut