Shonna: We fell out of love with each other

December 9, 2019

I believe divorce never happens for one reason or one thing. It was a series of things. We tried many things. Even with trying a lot of things the relationships did end.

If there was one thing that sticks out for us it was not taking good care of the relationship. Not checking in to make sure we were both doing what the other person needed to have done. Then there is the self-care aspect, jut making sure you are checking in with yourself.

The ending wasn’t horrible though. I’m still proud I married and divorced somebody who is compatible and like-minded.

Our divorce has been kinda vanilla. There was no drama. It ended. We fell out of love with each other and we wanted to just walk away.

We ran out of steam. The relationship ran out of steam. I’m happy my story is so different than a lot of other divorce stories out there.

The fact that we have a child and we both want to actively parent her that means the stakes are high for exiting the relationship and I think that weighed in on our approach to ending the relationship gracefully. Whether we’re married or not we still have a child to raise.

There’s no need to make our adult problems her problems. She needs two highly functioning parents.

We’re both very mindful of our actions…the things we do and say the things we don’t do and say around her.

We went to a mediator and the mediator made a lot of useful suggestions around our divorce and custody arrangments.

It has taken all of those 10-years to finally arrive at the most valuable learning.

I can’t control what he did. I have to start asking myself, “what did I do?” What did I learn from that? What am I going to do in future relationships? It took me a while to figure out what I needed to do differently and what I need from a relationship.

It took years and years and years to arrive at this one simple statement: I must feel special. There were 101 ways I was expressing that but it took years and years to refine every other way I was saying that. I did not feel special. I didn’t recognize it and I didn’t call it out.

We didn’t make time for each other. Going out on dates and doing things just as a couple. We outgrew each other which is natural.

I feel like every decade you are a new person. It’s okay to change and be different.

I don’t bring new dates around my child. You don’t know if that relationship is going to last.  I know how things can change and end so quickly.

Starting a business being self-employed consumes a lot of space in your life. I think that is the thing that takes up so much space that that’s my excuse for not dating anymore. I’m also just afraid to just be out there again like that.

I’m open to marriage again which means I have to be open to dating. When she’s gone I can see myself taking more time to take that seriously and date again.

Now that she’s a teenager I have to be even more available to her. The teen years are a lot like the toddler years. You don’t want to be that hover parent but you can’t really let go either.

I definitely recommend mediation before lawyers. That worked out for us. I found it to be more economical and more peaceful.

I highly recommend people get premarital counseling.

I hope other people realize every divorce does not have to end in an ugly contentious way.

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