I grew up in the 50’s and 60’s. For many women, they went from their parent’s house to a marriage. I found myself at 20 not knowing what I was going to do with my life and so I got married.
It was clear we were on a very different path. I felt a lot of resistance to any growth for me. I just decided I couldn’t live like this anymore.
The relationships ended and I was petrified. I’d never lived on my own before. It was a very scary time.
On the day that I got married my mother said, “you can always come back home.”
I had people judging. I knew in my heart it was the right thing form me.
I kind of launched into another 7 years of being single. Really learning how to live by myself, I dated lot of people. I was a little phobic. After about the 3rd date I would start thinking it’s going too fast I can’t do this.
I didn’t want to fall in love again and have my heartbroken. I just kept exploring. I traveled a lot o got all my education done. I had really great girlfriends who were also single and that was a lot of fun. I really made friends with some guys and learning they are just as vulnerable as we are and they are trying the best they can. It helped me to grow my heart form the opposite sex.
It’s easy to not take responsibility when you’re younger and say, “it’s all your fault.”
Having men as friends was a great learning opportunity.
I really like living with a partner. It’s a safe place to go home and connect.
I was learning how dependent I really was on other people for me to feel full. That I really needed the connection. It was really hard for me to grapple with the aloneness. I made a decision that I would rather be single than be in a relationship where I was unhappy.
I really wanted to have children. I wanted to have a family. It was hard to not get disappointed and feel the aloneness.
I decided to go to some Alanon meetings and go to some spiritual groups and that made all the difference in the world. The growth was exponential. The hardness transformed itself.
I used to say to my mom, “I have to know that when you’re not here I can do this on my own.”
I could have taken a lot of paths but I really wanted to take an authentic path.
I knew what I was looking for. I was looking for someone who was gentle and who was smart and who could listen to me and somebody who didn’t feel threatened by my energy. I needed someone who wasn’t pushy. I needed to be able to go at my own pace.
Because I had done a lot of work on myself and then I found a relationship where I felt safe and loved my journey intentionally is to keep my heart open. I’ve used that whenever I feel stuck or whenever I’m mad. I think this made me a really good person.
I’m really proud of the life I’ve led and who I’ve become. The marriage was a child’s decision to do something. It has been an awesome journey.
Be patient wit yourself. Get some help. See a therapist. Get some support from your friends.
You have to look inside yourself.