Monika: I had two affairs back to back

December 23, 2019

I was married 2-kids, pre-school and 2nd grade. I had a midlife crisis. I had two affairs back to back. I destroyed my life, my marriage, my family and literally, obliterated everything around me.

I left my husband for the second guy who was a sociopath. I sometimes can’t believe I did that.

My actions were the opposite of intentional back then. I had no idea what I was doing.

I had to do a ton of work to rebuild myself. A lot of self-discovery a lot of self-awareness work.

Your marriage can become transactional. My husband and I ended up losing that connection to each other. It happens. If you don’t pay attention to it, it’s easy to let things get in the way of those relationships.

I was busy growing my company. I was getting so much attention from the men I was meeting. I was going, “gee why am I not feeling this appreciated at home? Why am I not hearing all these great things about how smart I am and successful I am and funny and all these wonderful compliments from my husband?”

We had lost sight of each other so it was easy to fall into an affair. All of a sudden this person was giving me this attention that I so desperately needed and for whatever reason I was unable to ask my husband or tell him what I needed. Of course, hindsight is 20/20.

The first affair was your run of the mill affair. I was getting what I needed he was getting what he needed.

The second guy convinced me to leave my husband for him and completely upend my life because our life together was going to be so much better. He was married as well with kids.

When you’re in it you can’t see what’s happening. I was already so confused it was easy to just take my hand and lead me in whichever direction he wanted to go in. On the day after Christmas, he dumped me.

I knew life was going to go on, I just didn’t know in what direction. I didn’t know what was next.

It was one foot in front of the other. Just to get through the day.

What happens when you’re going through something like this your friends don’t know what to do with you. They’re as confused and upset as you are so a lot of friends just step to the side, which is fine and understandable.

I spent a lot of time thinking what did I do and what’s next? I had an epiphany sitting on the beach. I messed up. I’m going to fix things. The difficulty of the road ahead was very apparent to me.

I had been doing a lot of work to fix some fundamental flaws in my character.

I was able to admit my faults. It’s in our DNA not to show weakness.

Holding up that mirror to your faults and shining on a light on those nooks and crannies is not easy. It can be devastating but it is so important. I had nothing to lose. I had been gutted. I had to rebuild from scratch emotionally. Look at what’s holding you back because it’s probably inside of you.

Talk to someone who can be extremely objective. They’ll push you to dig…sometimes dig really deep and that’s a worthwhile exercise.

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