Dawn: I tied way too long to keep it together

February 10, 2020

He said, I’m moving away for this job and maybe it’s a good time for us to explore other things and I’m really more attracted to women of another race than you.

I didn’t say anything to anybody at that point. I was of the opinion at that point that if you let people know about the problems in your marriage you were being disloyal to the marriage.

One thing I regret is that I had a few drinks with someone one night and told them a lot and that was probably not a good idea. She kept feeding me drinks so I would tell her more and more and more. Then I ended up at her house crashed and he thought I was out with someone else which is kind of ironic in retrospect. It was just a bad night all the way around.

We had not had much of a physical relationship pretty much the whole marriage which is very discouraging because you don’t know how to handle it. Do you goad someone about it? Do you ignore it? Do you try to earn it? So I tried to do a lot of those things.

Back then I took a lot more guff than I would now to try to make things better and hope I could make it better and make it work but it didn’t.

A couple of things I would recommend to anybody is I went on Meetup and I got on a group that just did social things and the reason I did that is because these people didn’t know my story. I could socialize with people I could meet people and it wasn’t a dating thing at all. What I liked about it was it was new it was separate and I didn’t have to dwell on my story.

I tried way too long to keep it together. I took a few months to really realize this wasn’t going to work plus him physically being gone.

I wanted to go out and get a little attention…to dress up and look pretty and make myself feel better and it wasn’t necessarily for a relationship. I hadn’t dated in over twenty years.

Theater gave me a way to express myself and get it out. It’s my passionate hobby. It was an art imitates life situation.

I tried to really enlarge my horizons and do things I might not have necessarily done. I gave myself that gift. I spent a lot of time introspectively. What can I learn from this?

It was a great adventure. It was great that I knew I could do it. That I could do things that I wanted to do and I didn’t and I didn’t have to worry about someone else’s opinion of what I was doing and why was I doing this and how much money did it cost or whatever.

It was me. It was independent. It was very empowering.

A lot of my energy would have been focused on what kind of experience is he having and I didn’t have to worry about that.

In the heat of this, for like the first three months, I was pretty much barely functional. I was barely sleeping not sleeping well.

After about three months I went into therapy which was for me a godsend. It helped me immensely. It was a huge turning point for me when I went into therapy.

I got to the point where I was just like, I have to do something. I was a mess. I wasn’t functioning. I ended up being in a medication situation for a while which was great because if you don’t sleep you just aren’t right so that was an amazing thing for me.

It’s really good to have somebody who is impartial that is not in your situation that can see the forest through the trees.

Nobody tells you how to be married.

I’m not willing to take the level of stuff from people that I used to. That said, everybody’s got some stuff, including you. I think I became a lot more discerning and a lot more what do I really want in a relationship.

In retrospect, there were probably some warning signs that I ignored because I wanted to get married.

You really need to know that someone is on your team on your side and isn’t criticizing things that you do.

For him to apologize it was very interesting. I let him say what he needed to say. At the time I think that was the best thing to do.

You have no control over what somebody feels for you or doesn’t feel for you. It doesn’t mean you’re any less of a person.

You have to go dig and find things in yourself, which I did.

You’re still there. The essence of you is still there. There are people who will love and cherish you for who you are. You want to be around people who will help you to be the best version of yourself. It’s going to such for a while, no doubt but it gets better. It does get better.

You’ll find new friends and you’ll find some wonderful people along the way. It does get better.

You are worthy.

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