Kate G: I got to a point where I couldn’t stand being me

March 23, 2020









I’m very emotionally open and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m not afraid to let people see my vulnerability.

A good definition of love I heard one time was it’s sustained vulnerability.

We stopped seeing each other for a while and then we started again. I just found it so hard to believe that she couldn’t express herself.

I told her within the first two weeks that I thought I was a crossdresser. We would go out with me presenting as female and she seemed to be accepting of it. Then I started on hormones because I realized I was not a crossdresser, I was transgender and I had always been transgender. When I was four I asked my mom if I could be a girl.

I had this intense desire to live as other people thought I should live, to not disappoint my mother, the be a good little boy. I’d get in trouble with my dad for not having any little boy friends, I liked to hang out with the little girls. They were more fun. They weren’t mean. I could relate to how they spoke even at that age much more readily.

I forced myself to do a bunch of stuff that wasn’t me. I forced myself for the longest time to be someone who I really wasn’t and this mask was dividing and hurting my soul. I was uncomfortable with myself all the time.

I decided to transition and she was mad for a little bit but it didn’t affect our love life or anything like that so she was okay and then I decided to have some surgeries and she was supportive.

After I had recovered I said something about being intimate and she said, “I don’t intend to ever be intimate with you again.” That took me by surprise. I thought she was going to be okay with it.

I was thinking to myself this is the last woman who will ever appreciate me for me so I’m going to die alone. I was so upset like this was my last chance. Ever since I was little I always dreamt about meeting that special one and staying together with someone and building a life together and sharing a life together and I just kept picking the wrong people. I was just devastated.

I never wanted to be trans but now I embrace it. I’m happy about it.

When I went back to work I was so well accepted. I was worried about how I would be perceived and accepted. I got no discouraging customers.

It’s so wonderful to be able to be me. To be me and to be accepted and loved.

I had nothing to worry about. It’s so wonderful to be myself. It has helped me so much because I can love myself now. I don’t feel like a liar. I feel like I’m being me. I’ve just blossomed. Both at work and at AA. I have all these friends.

I was afraid I wouldn’t be permitted to go to women’s meetings until a woman invited me. Now 90% of my meetings are women’s meetings because I understand the way we talk and what they share about.

Fall in love with yourself. That’s what I’ve been doing and I no longer have this overwhelming need to have a partner. I can exist without a partner because I have me and I have my friends.

My life is so much different and I am so much happier.

I would never imagine me having girlfriends without there being a sexual component to it and there clearly isn’t. They’re just girlfriends.

I have a social life now. I had closed out my social life because I was ashamed. My life just blossomed because of me being who I am and me not being with my former girlfriend. My therapist noticed too.

I used to exercise excessively trying to make the girl inside stop talking to me. I exercised way too much and I looked it too. I felt like it was something I had to do or I just couldn’t take it anymore.

I got to a point where I couldn’t stand being me because of the lying.

When you are able to live your life as who you really are it is so freeing and so overwhelmingly great. You will glow from within and people will notice that and you will attract people just by being who you really are. As long as you have yourself and your friends someone is going to pick up on the way you glow.

Being myself. There’s nothing better.

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