It has been really difficult…abusive in both directions largely because neither of us knew any better at the time.
He had been through two back surgeries and had never really recovered from that emotionally and so I had so much compassion for him and I just wanted so much for him to know that life is still beautiful and life is still amazing.
I kept feeling like if I could just give more maybe he’ll see he’s worth something and basically gave myself away in that way for a very long time always kind of wondering, why isn’t it working?
There were lots of red flags along the way. Eventually, my Florence Nightingale act got too difficult to maintain. We had spent maybe 5-years smoking week morning, noon, and night. That’s what took to maintain a numbness that wasn’t going to make my head explode. It got to the point where the numbness was making my head explode as well.
It was a very surreal string of moments that brought back to my memory a picture…an awareness of myself…the light of my own heart.
An awareness came in that said, “Dear one, if you spend one more day doing what you’re doing the flame will go out”. And I knew exactly what that meant. It was the gentlest earth-shattering moment because it was intimate with my own knowing of myself.
In this moment, it just became so clear to me that sticking around and trying to help him was actually providing the comfort that enabled him to stay locked down where he was. Me sticking around, it wasn’t helping anybody.
There was this clear awareness that what I’m doing isn’t life and I’m here for life.
It took several days of me reestablishing a friendship with myself after that awareness to just put my arm around my own shoulders and say, I got you, come on…we can do this. It’s about that flame, it’s about that light…keep walking, keep walking.
A friend of mine had given me a safety net if I needed it, which was part of what gave me the strength to take action.
He started coming after me and I had backed myself into the kitchen. The fear was so much that I had already mapped out which drawer had the knives in it in case I needed to flip open a drawer. I surprised myself I was even thinking that way…it’s so outside of who I am.
I dialed 911 and what I remember saying is I need somebody to help me…I need help walking away from this marriage…everybody’s okay…nobody’s hurt…I just need help. That’s all I remember saying.
There were a couple of weeks where I stayed at my friend’s house and I went and filed divorce papers. I saw him one other time when he showed up at my job to give me the phone back. It was really tense.
I had no sense whatsoever than anyone would help me. I didn’t know I needed help. I didn’t know how to ask for help. I didn’t know what to say if I were to ask for help. I was very caught up in the obligation.
It really was divine intervention.
The love of individuals for individuals and the courage to look somebody in the eye and say I see and I know you are more than this and here’s a door. I still had to walk through it myself. I still had to call her and say, please come get me. It was the beginning of everything new.
Every single day I wake up feeling love in my body because the moment I recognized myself outside of that victim pattern and let myself feel different about myself it started to create an entirely different life. I wake up in the morning and smile because my body is full of love.
Life is all about acknowledging that light that is our life-force.
Let people see you. Let people see your real heart. What you love, what you enjoy. And, let people see when you hurt.
The journey of being seen is the journey of being loved.
The time we’re in now there are more people on the planet who honor vulnerability than ever before.
Let people see and just watch how loved you are.