A friend I grew up with gave me the label of a serial monogamist in college. He gave me that title because my habit was to go from relationship to relationship.
I can tell looking back I was focused on having to be with somebody. I think I lost a lot of my own development in that stage. I learned a lot of lessons, but I was not focusing on me and what I should be doing. I was more focused on not being single.
She asked me, did my parent’s divorce affect how I view relationships. Initially, I said no. I realized it did affect me in the way that I viewed conflict resolution, and the way I went about relationships and what my expectations were.
I realized I had a lot of premature endings in my relationships because of me. It really wasn’t because of the other person. It was because I didn’t know what it took to go to the next stage or I didn’t know how to resolve conflict without walking away and giving up and retreating. The trend needs to stop here.
Sex can be a blinder. It can be an inhibitor of thinking logically. I was not as focused on building a foundation for the relationship or what that foundation was. To be honest it was a lot of physical infatuation and a lot of endorphins kicking in. Once those wore off it wasn’t a Suddenly Single moment, but it felt like it.
You’re either going to marry this person or you are going to break this person’s heart. It’s a tough juncture to be at but that’s where I was with that relationship because I was like, I don’t know where this is going. Unfortunately, I did wind up breaking the girl’s heart. I’m not proud of it but that’s what happened.
I had to apologize to the girl who’s heart I broke. I felt like I had to do that. She’s a sweet girl.
Ironically enough my next relationship was with my wife.
It was years of personal development and reflection that allowed me to do that.
It’s a little bit of morality mixed in with competitiveness. I don’t like getting things wrong multiple times. It was very clear this was one aspect of my life that I kept getting wrong.
I was fortunate to have older men in my life to continually put me into the game and invested in me.
I had to be upfront and transparent about who I am and who I’m becoming. I realized one of the things that kept the relationships at bay was we really were not on the same page and that could have been easily resolved with communication. I know we hear that a lot but we don’t often know what that looks like.
One of the biggest things was making sure a foundation and honesty was established upfront. It was enough that we had an understanding of who each other were.
I always have a circle of guys around me that I can really use as a solid sounding board. We would have these walks around the building and we would just talk.
I had to dig deep. I had never done any kind of relationship work with anyone besides my wife, even while we were still dating.
This person is willing to put in the work with me so let’s take it to the next stage.
If nothing changes nothing changes. I know it sounds so cliche, but it’s so true. If you find yourself in the same pattern it’s usually because the inputs are the same.
Surround yourself with people who are going to grow you.
I went to people who lived their life in a way I would want to emulate. Seek advice from people who are in a life that you want to emulate.