Julie W: I lost my identity

June 22, 2020









It was 22-years in the making to become Suddenly Single. It wasn’t too sudden.

Through all of the counselors and talks with my friends, the question is how do you make that decision to leap off that bridge and it’s tough.

Everybody said nobody can tell you when it’s time. Only you will know that. I kept thinking somebody was going to say something to me that made me have this epiphany. It really wasn’t about that. It was about me becoming ready and becoming confident and building myself up to feel like I could do it.

It’s been about 3-years before I really left, actually probably more like 5-years. It was about building up my confidence again and I think there are a lot of women who can relate to the fact that being married they lost their identity or being a mom they lost their identity.

Over 22-years I really lost myself, so the last 5-years before I really jumped ship I looked at myself and thought, who am I? I’ve become a person I don’t recognize.

My blog was about finding me. Who am I? Who do I want to be and the more confident I became and the more I found myself the more I was able to step off the bridge and become single.

For the last year and a half, I can do what I want, I can say what I want, I can wear what I want, I can be friends with who I want and nobody can tell me otherwise. Its been just amazing.

There was definitely some pointing of fingers but it all comes out in the end. That was the biggest struggle for me…are my kids going to be okay?

My kids see me happier and my kids see my ex happier and they see us being who we should be and they understand it so much better. My daughter is so happy for me.

It’s staying true to yourself and you really have to dig deep. You have to know what is going to make you happy. You start doubting yourself. You start wondering, is it me? Did I do something wrong? Is there something I could have done better? You really have to do some soul searching.

It doesn’t have to be that you’re a bad person and I’m a good person. It could be that it just doesn’t work. Showing your children a bad relationship doesn’t work either.

Life is long and life is short. When you’re on this journey, you really don’t know where that journey is going to go until you are on it.

I spent my whole life out of the house. I never wanted to be home. Home should be that place that you want to be and feel relaxed and feel happy and for me, it was anxiety and stress and depression.

It was a terribly hard decision to make and I don’t take marriage lightly. I never thought I would be a divorced woman. At the end of the day, I don’t want to feel like I don’t want to come home.

Now I can make whatever decision I want and become fully independent which I have never been. A lot of women end up staying because they are scared.

Initially, I left and felt like I was on top of the word. Telling your spouse you’re done is the worst moment of your life. Then the day comes and you move out and it’s so empowering. Then as the different hurdles come up it’s traumatizing. Depending on the day there’s ups and downs but in life there are ups and downs.

My mom would say to me, Julie nothing is easy. If you stay it’s not going to be easy and if you go it’s not going to be easy. For all of the fear that I had, the one thing I can say is that it’s better on the other side. That being said, I don’t want women to think it’s an easy thing to do because it’s not.

Put everything into it to see if you can save it. I put everything I had into it to try and save it. Not just once, not just twice, but three times. It’s not easy.

On paper, everything looked great but I really didn’t know what love was. I just didn’t know anything.

My relationship with my boyfriend now, I am just so at peace with him. We’re so relaxed and enjoy just doing nothing together. In 22-years together I never felt comfortable sitting on a couch next to my husband.

He wasn’t meeting my needs so, therefore, I couldn’t meet his needs. My ex was never willing to listen. It takes two to tango. Relationships are hard.

I was so scared. Thinking I would be alone for the rest of my life kept me there.

Nobody knows what’s going on inside anybody’s marriage. To have everything and have nothing all at the same time made it really difficult. That’s what I had.

Your own peace and your own happiness are exponentially more important than any materialistic thing you can own. At the end of the day if you’re not at peace with yourself your life is nothing. You have to go and do some really deep soul searching.

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