Valari: I looked at his needs before I looked at my own

July 6, 2020









I wasn’t suddenly single. I had been single, I just didn’t realize it.

It was a realization that I had been in a marriage all by myself.

I had married a person that I knew, even up to the night before our wedding, that I shouldn’t be marrying. Everything within me told me it was the wrong thing to do.

The thing is, I didn’t trust what I knew.

What I later learned is that my self-value, not my self-esteem, was in the basement.

My really good friend said to me, before you get into another relationship, you need to understand why you got into that one. I told him he was making no sense.

You need to understand why your standards were so low that you would accept being in something you knew you shouldn’t be in.

Self-value is the private decisions you make. Taking better care of them than yourself.

We don’t always know that we form values based on what’s modeled.

Why would I allow myself to be treated less than I should be treated, not by other people, but by myself?

I realized I was a person who was always sewing into other people’s wellbeing and I did not give myself that same consideration. Why did I not feel I was worthy of the same treatment I gave other people? I looked at his needs before I looked at my own.

In life, I have never been lonelier than when I was in that marriage. He gave me everything he had to give, it just wasn’t what I needed. It wasn’t how I needed to be loved. That wasn’t his fault, it was mine, for putting myself in a position that was not going to meet my needs.

I didn’t really know myself. What did I like to do? Everything I did was focus on other people’s needs. I had to find Valeri. I learned, I explored.

The people who know me well would find it surprising to know I knew so little about myself at such a critical time in my life. I just didn’t realize on the surface that I didn’t know what I needed.

The hard part of being in a marriage that you shouldn’t be in (for me) was I’d made this commitment and I took it seriously. I found myself committed to the commitment. Come hook or crook I was going to die in this marriage because that’s what I said.

It wasn’t until I started realizing I’d completely lost who I was that I knew the only way I was going to continue to live, was to get out of it.

I’d completely lost contact with my inner being.

I had done something that was horrible for who I was and who I needed to be. I did not allow myself to see that the two of us together would never grow.

I know who it is I need to be with for me. I am a complete person all by myself.

I know for sure who I am and I know there is a person who is designed to be with me and the two of us together will be exponentially better than we were by ourselves, even though we were still whole people by ourselves. I am purposefully particular.

When I say criteria it’s not a list, it’s an awareness.

If you don’t have standards you will never meet them.

If you’re not growing you’re dying. Trust your gut. It is telling you something. Listen to it.

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