Katie L: I had this history of thinking the relationship is the answer

August 3, 2020









In reflecting I found that I’ve always been Suddenly Single. It has been a series of patterns and different behaviors, but I think the biggest shock to my system was my divorce in 2012.

I had this history of thinking the relationship is the answer. The man is going to solve my problems, the man is going to fix everything…to be this magical thing that is going to make everything perfect.

On paper or on social media it looked like I had it all, and for that to be taken away from me, I just was in a really hard spot.

I’ve always been that go-getter. Since elementary school, the interior side, the intimate side, the relationship side is where I struggled. For me, I was being dragged through the mud and not letting go. I was being treated horribly but I allowed it to happen over time.

I remember as I was going through the divorce process asking everyone I know how long is this going to take to get over?

What am I supposed to do without that man I have tied my happiness and everything to?

Now seeing I’m enough just as is, I don’t have to hustle for worthiness. I can hustle because I want to create jobs, I can hustle because I want to live this extraordinary life and the fundamental thing is that I deserve it. Getting to a point of knowing I deserve it has been an 8-year journey, not even a 2-year journey.

In terms of the intimate, what I’m bringing to the table, it’s my fears and my worries and my addiction to almost rejection and abandonment.

The men I have dated and married have been equally as unavailable as I was.

Going deep meant I had to address myself.

I found this emotion wheel and I was able to look at that wheel and label what I was feeling. I was able to look at what am I feeling for real and why am I feeling that? Think of a time in my life when I felt that. Going deep means being present and noticing what’s happening and not just reacting.

It took me years to get to I just didn’t feel good about myself and I just didn’t value myself. Pay attention. Let it be the lesson. Let it be the mirror.

If they’re not treating you the way you deserve to be treated it’s because you’re not treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated.

Every day there’s going to be a test. I head the saying, the lesson repeats as needed.

Moving forward if I meet someone and they’re not investing in me and if they’re not on the level I’m okay with saying this isn’t working out.

I’ve always wanted that relationship where my partner is so proud. I’ve always craved that.

I’m working on my own fulfillment. I’m filling up my own cup first.

When you do the work and see that we’re all on our own journey we literally cannot meet the needs of the other person because we have to figure it out ourselves.

Happiness and joy are an inside job but it’s also a zero-sum game. Anybody in your circle is either adding to you or taking away.

I cried so, so much. Again it was not feeling like I was a priority and not feeling like I was good enough. The feelings of not being good enough were cyclical.

I give myself a day to feel sorry for myself and then I inch my way out. It’s hard. You have to know that you can do it. The easiest thing to do when you’re heartbroken and upset is to find another fix.

You have to embrace the suck and just work through it.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all felt that pit in our stomach. That feeling like our soul had been taken out of our body. We’ve all cried until our eyes can’t even open. You can choose to stay there and feel sorry and be sad or you can choose to use that sadness and what you’re feeling to grow and evolve.

I promise you can get through it. You’re stronger than you think you are. You have what it takes. It’s just tapping into it and then letting it go.

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