Bree N: We had one of those social media friendly marriages

September 28, 2020









Something happens with people where they grow apart or they have decided this isn’t what they want anymore and they don’t communicate it very well.

My partner and I found out this wasn’t a good fit for us but instead of communicating it was a little dramatic. It was a little Tyler Perry-ish. It was a little much but my kids and I have come out on top of it.

No one expects to be Suddenly SIngle. No one expects to break up and have a divorce.

We had one of those social media-friendly marriages where everyone saw the good stuff but no one really saw the bad stuff. I think people struggle with people they really like speratating because that’s their marriage too and people really felt they deserved an explanation as to why we were splitting up.

It was very dramatic from the public versus private standpoint. Having to create boundaries with people. I found myself instead of taking care of myself I was comforting other people about my situation and I’m like, wait a minute, this is not how you heal.

It was having to block off and create a new community on top of what we were already experiencing.

That group of friends we had from college, we all grew up together but they didn’t understand we had grown apart.

I had to make new friends, I had to make new hobbies, I had to make a new life for myself.

When you are raised in a very Catholic household where people don’t get divorced, they just die and you are a widow, I was a failure to my family.

I had to recreate myself. It wasn’t a full recreation, it was just embracing the side of myself that I didn’t know as a single woman. I got married when I was 23. I had my first kid when I was 20. I did that backward too, that was a Catholic no-no.

My identity was a married person, a mother person. To come out and say this is who I am and this is who I’ve always been is just a breath of fresh air and a weight off my shoulders.

My identity has become this no-nonsense chick who is honest about everything she is doing in her life because that’s not who I was before. I was in an unhappy marriage and I was trying my best to save face in the community effort that didn’t matter.

We are who we are. We don’t have to impress people.

I’m finishing up my book and then started podcasting which completely brought me out of my shell. I never thought I’d be a podcaster. Who would have thought a secretary from Baltimore would come to DC and start podcasting and doing media stuff.

Your identity is often made up of people’s opinions of you.

We have these other people’s opinions of ourselves that we walk in every day and we wear that coat, but that’s not the coat you selected for yourself.

In reality, your day job is just paying for your night dreams and your night hobbies. We have to say this is who I am, let me be myself all the time.

It was very hard to decide that I didn’t want to just be identified as a divorcee. It was very hard not to wallow in self-pity and just cry every day. It was very hard to not call people and whine about what coulda, shoulda, woulda been.

There’s a whole world of opportunity ahead of me.

What do my kids deserve to see me overcome?

I believe God, the universe, whatever you want to call her, is there for you and doesn’t want you to fail.

When we hold onto those hurts it doesn’t help anyone.

Prayer is a form of self-affirmation.

I was my worst critic.

That critical voice inside yourself is really just fear that it is trying to root itself inside your center and it can’t be there.

Going and out and experiencing new things is just so important especially when you’re in a place of self-doubt. When you’re sitting in your self-doubt nothing is going to change. Get outside and get uncomfortable.

I have two boys. The coolest part has been watching them comment on what they see. My youngest will say, you look so happy or I’m so proud of you. It’s eye-opening to watch yourself though your little people’s eyes.

To see that they are adapting and changing and growing with me has been the best part of the process.

As we are growing we are often learning about what we don’t want. I’m trying to learn to date and how to be treated properly.

I’m just so excited to meet new people and meet people where they are.

If a man tells you you’re too much for them that’s not your person.

We just have to be open to opportunities. My gut is always accurate. If I trust my gut more I would be more successful.

Social media is not real. These are images. The picture doesn’t have to be perfect. Let’s be real about our challenges and our situations. You don’t have to share with the whole world, but when that picture starts to fall apart, understand that you’re not a failure. The situation failed but you are not a failure. You always have a chance to be successful and be adventuresome.

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