I was with my now ex for almost 14-years. I found out he had been married to another woman for the last 7-years of our relationship.
Intuitively my soul knew that we were not meant to be together and I ignored it.
We had this pattern where we would have fights and break up. All of my friends were like, Lany get out of this relationship. This is a toxic relationship for you. I knew it, in my heart of hearts I knew it but I was emotionally attached to this man.
I didn’t cry at all. I haven’t cried since. I was actually pissed because he’d left me stranded. How do you do that to a human being? I was mad that he’d lied to me.
I look back at the relationship and it’s tainted. There’s things and ideas and things that I thought I had where I really truly believed that those things were real and then looking back it’s so…I don’t know what the truth is. I have no idea what was true. Zero. And I have to live with that.
I journal a lot. I also have a coach and a circle of sisters that allow me to express feelings and emotions when they come up. But I’m learning I’m grieving the idea of what I thought I had and now I know what I really truly want in future relationships.I can honor the good and I can honor the bad. I had to do a lot of forgiveness work towards him and towards myself.
I’ve been dating and I’m finding out what I don’t want. When it comes down to the core of what I want, I want somebody who sees me. Who really truly can see me for who I am and accept all of me.
I worked with a coach and worked through a lot of old stories and old traumas that didn’t really have anything to do with him.
There was trauma bonding and it was really recognizing I was in an abusive relationship never knowing it though.
We never know what people are going through. I’d never talked about my story on social. To this day very few people know. We don’t know this is happening on a regular basis because people think of domestic violence and they think of physical abuse but there’s so much emotional and mental abuse within relationships and we justify it and we say it’s okay.
A lot of us stay in it not realizing what we’re in.
He would attack my character and I would sit back and go, oh he’s just having a bad day.
I would justify it as maybe it was my fault. Maybe I didn’t express myself properly. I would turn it back around on myself and I would carry the burden of the fault and the blam and let him off.
I just stepped into who I am even more. It has been a process.
He planted all those seeds and I watered them.
I have moments when things pop up and I journal through it. I sit and I reflect and I own it. I honor it, and I recognize what that is, I forgive myself, and then I let it go. That’s a practice I had to really put into place because I could easily beat myself up.
How did I become this woman? How did I become this person? I had to learn how to take ownership of my choices within the relationship while also not beating myself up. I had to relearn to love myself, I had to reevaluate my worth and my value.
I am trusting there is a person and a soul that is out there for me.
It’s not about you, it’s about them. They have made choices to be deceptive and to live a lie. Own your part in what you allowed because if we just blame and deny our responsibility we don’t get to grow. Don’t beat yourself up. Own your actions and know that that’s not going to be allowed going forward.