Taunia T: It was so shameful to have had the experience of five divorces

November 23, 2020

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I got to have a do-over again and again again, not just a relationship, but being married five times.

It was so shameful to have had the experience of five divorces. Two years ago I finally discovered what if I wasn’t ashamed about this? I’m in an awesome place in my life now and I’m the woman I am now because of the history.

I love that I get to reap the rewards of that at this stage of life.

I was angry at the pattern. I talked to my higher power and I said, whatever it takes and I meant it with every fiber of my being. I was so humiliated. I surrendered to being shown.

The pattern was I didn’t know how to be alone with myself. I had to fill the gap because I wasn’t comfortable in a relationship with myself.

I didn’t know how to love myself so I looked for the external fill of love.

If I loved myself I wouldn’t need to compromise so much on myself to be loved.

I was choosing a partner to love who were hard cases. It was a savior complex.

I totally was not in the equation at all in the game of love.

I wanted my body to move because I had so much pent up emotions. I would walk at a pace that got my heart pumping and while I was walking I would connect with the divine. I would say I’m here, show me.

God already knew the place I was in and so I just needed to get out of the way and quit analyzing it.

I kept my eyes open for any information that could help me make better choices.

Within less than 6-months I left my family, I left my job, I moved. I left anything that was familiar. What did I have to lose? I left my religion. I left anything that tried to say, this is who you are because I didn’t want anybody else showing me and telling me who I was. I really wanted to know by myself.

I took a job that was just for me to provide for myself and the rest was just playing…playing in nature and with nature, reading books, and finding connections through literature, I completely dropped off the map. This lasted for six years.

I decided this was going to be an adventure for me. During this, I met a man. He as my adventure buddy. I was purposely communicating I was interested in friendship.

I didn’t have to look a certain way, I was comfortable in my skin, I wasn’t filtering myself, I allowed myself to have opinions, I wasn’t trying to change him into something I wanted him to be.

I was choosing what is rather than the potential.

I was choosing partners where I was seeing their potential and expecting them to change if they loved me.

Expecting someone to complete you is like admitting in an advertisement that you are not enough.

I began to fill the spaces with things I love, hobbies, I began to be in groups of people vs. just looking for the one person that was supposed to be my soulmate…my everything. That’s a recipe for disaster.

I think the myth is love is a compromise. Love is reciprocal. If you’re compromising, what are you compromising on?

It took a higher perspective and a higher power and a tenaciousness to stay awake in the process. That took a lot of bravery.

I didn’t know relationships could be like this.

Another person can only enhance love. It’s not sustainable to expect another person to provide it for you.

I give myself space now instead of just reacting from a wounded place.

I didn’t even know I could ask for something this beautiful.

Put the focus on your way. Not in a selfish way, but in a self-love way.

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