I was single for a long time. I was online dating for what felt like forever. I was sort of in this dating purgatory for about 2-years and then I met somebody.
I was two years shy of 40 and he just literally blew me off my feet. He was everything, considerate and kind and generous and giving.
We carried on for 8-years together and literally it was perfect. There was quite little I would have changed. We started talking about retiring in other countries and we did some vacations so kind of get a feel for those areas.
I couldn’t have asked for anything better. I was very happy. We eventually did make the move from Costa Rica. I made friends with a lot of locals and I preferred the locals over the ex-pats.
Within 6-months he began to change. Issues were always around when his children would come and visit us. His children would come and visit us and there would be lots of going out, there would be drinking, of course, and then things would just explode. It’s hard when you’re with somebody who has their own children.
It’s the first time ever that I see him behave in a way…so angry. The grabbing you by the throat up against the wall the threats. I wouldn’t ever tolerate that here at home. If that happened here it would be done. In another country, when it’s not my home, when everything becomes his it becomes difficult.
The first time I happened I went to a hotel. You wake up in the morning and you can’t brush your teeth, and you don’t have a change of clothes, and I don’t have a key to the house, and I don’t have my bank card, and I don’t have any money.
When you’ve been with somebody for years and they’ve never behaved like that and you’re in another country and they have all the power it’s a really bad place to be.
By the time the third incident happened, I had kind of said, I’m done. I can’t stay here. It takes once for somebody to cross a line and once they have crossed that line it becomes very easy for them to continue to cross it
As a society, we need to do much better. When I think about everything now it just feels so surreal. There were times that I woke up and I was like, that was a dream…so surreal.
I don’t know that you can ever successfully process something like that. It still guts me…just as more times goes on that gutted feeling just seems a little bit less.
There was no genuine or authentic apologies and no realization about what he had done. It was just, how many times do I have to say sorry.
He ended up moving to a different province. When he came back I think he thought I would be so lonely I would want him back.
He started coming around and doing a lot of property damage to my home, he broke into my home, he cut a hole in the roof in the garage, he took the doors off in the garage. I had to get an order of protection.
I tried some counseling which didn’t work very well and then I found a writing group. I felt like I could purge a lot of things and that’s what worked for me. There’s no easy fix and no easy answer. You just have to know that right is right and you’re doing what’s the best for you and what’s good for you and you keep going.
For three years my motto was, get up, get dressed, and show up because you still have to go to work. You still have to pay your bills. You still have to do your things.
Have your one or two people who really know what’s going on who you can talk to and talk to them. But the writing group for me was what felt good for me. Change is hard and I felt like my whole life had imploded…it’s just trying to adjust to that change as best as you can. You just have to keep going.
We know. Our gut knows all and our gut tells us. We’re never as stuck and trapped as we think we are.
People will help you. It’s like the whole Mr. Roger’s thing…look for the helpers, they’re there. Get yourself home, wherever your home is, and get yourself to safety and to safe ground so you can plant your feet again.