Mariko: I had this belief I had to hang onto this

December 14, 2020

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I got divorced after 19-years of marriage. That’s something I resisted for a long time. I’m divorced and I’m actually feeling like a different person.

I resisted because I had strong fear and feeling of shame. The major belief I had was, divorce hurts the children so I shouldn’t do it no matter how unhappy I was.

I had this belief I had to hang onto this.

I asked so many women who had this experience and they told me you’re going to be okay. Your children are going to be okay. But I decided that being okay was not enough. I wanted more.

I was so living in my head. To break the pattern I started doing the things that interest me.

The aliveness inside of me was buried under shame and fear.

I tried yin yoga because I was very masculine in my approach. Very go-go-go do-do-do. I was that person. In yoga, it’s the opposite energy.

I tried belly dancing. Just slowing down makes me look so sexy. I never realized this. I also tried self-defense. It gave me an embodied experience. There was a playfulness.

As I grew up I put so much on me. I should do this, I shouldn’t do that.

It took me a while for me to come back and start being on social media again.

I just love it when they say, you never looked happier.

The power that I thought that I always had but didn’t seem to have access to was inside of me and I actually have that. People go looking for things like power and success outside of themselves and they don’t care to look inside. That’s what I was doing.

Divorce was the small opening that broke all the careful protection I had around me. Because I was so fearful, so shameful I didn’t go there as quickly as I could have.

I am happy to share I am now getting the proof my kids are more than okay. My daughter wrote me a letter.

Accepting the death of a relationship…I’m now seeing that was the right thing to do.

I learned that I was always this person but there were so many clouds and storms because I was hanging onto my dead marriage.

I couldn’t discover this part of me if I couldn’t break all my protections starting with my marriage.

Trust in surrender. It is possible. It is totally up to you to break yourself to be remade, to be reborn. You can stay broken. It is up to you. You will find something even better waiting after that.

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