Katrina F: Even before we got married I’d seen signs and huge red flags that I totally ignored

December 28, 2020

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am divorced. I’ve been divorced 5-years now.

I didn’t want to leave my marriage, I wanted to work on things, but I knew if worst-case comes to worst if we did decide to come back together some time apart would help. If it’s meant to be we’ll end up coming back together but our separation ended up being permanent.

It took a lot. There was a lot to be said even before we got married. We met and fell in love very quickly.

Even before we got married I’d seen signs and huge red flags that I totally ignored. Why I ignored them? Out of love.

If I were going to be that ultimate partner and wife that any challenges would of course be expected in a marriage so anything that came up prior to was just the beginning of a long-term relationship. I figured I’m in it for the long-haul.

Neither one of us could be our best selves. The love was there but neither one of us were happy so it ended.

At the time I felt like it was a sacrifice but I also felt like well, this is just marriage. We all get our perspectives of what a marriage should be from other marriages that we witness. Part of my education on marriage and relationships was that when things get hard you stick it out. You don’t give up.

Universally, spiritually, it worked out for the better because I am in a better place now.

Thankfully it didn’t kill my love or the gift I see from marriage. Marriage can be a real gift.

I need to be true to myself. When I see red flags, don’t ignore them. It was ignoring and brushing them off that caused the suffering because I didn’t trust myself enough or maybe love myself to believe or trust those gut feelings that I had. I just wanted to put all my faith and energy into my marriage.

I did actually start therapy while I was still married, for myself.

I did definitely find solace in my family, thank goodness for my parents for just that support to get through. I did find solace through close friends who were a huge support. I’m a Buddhist, I chant. I found solace through my readings, through other spiritual references as well. Over time I did finally get to a place of not blaming, not being a victim of my circumstance, just accepting responsibility for my actions. Even though it’s a hard word sometimes, forgiveness. You can’t be your best self and move forward in life if I carried that baggage.

It took a lot of self-work to look at the situation from outside myself and realize it’s not about you, it’s about what is there to learn. How did you grow? How did you change?

We each deal and accept forgiveness in different ways.

See people as you see yourself. I’m just as capable of falling off track.

I had to get rid of that feeling of that ego-based mindset, that fear-based mindset that we live in.

I didn’t want to exist and live in a negative energetic field. I wanted to exist and thrive in a high vibration.

Spirituality was always part of my life before I got married but it grew more after my divorce.

You have to act yourself into a new way of thinking.

I didn’t want to be a victim. I wanted to be better.

Do I want to be this person who is still miserable? Who is still complaining? I didn’t want that to be my story anymore. I wanted to be someone that overcame that.

I wanted to focus on my power of forgiveness. That’s how energy moves.

If you’re asking for honesty be prepared for it.

No more ignoring red flags, no more not speaking my truth, no more of that because it didn’t get me anywhere.

I can’t keep believing I can get what I want out of this relationship.

Any type of love or honesty and respect I want outside of me, I have to have it for myself first. That has to be a promise. I’d forgotten that promise I’d made to myself about loving myself and respecting myself. I just wanted to be kind, I just wanted to be patient and you want that of other people too.

Ask yourself deeply about what kind of person you want to be. Remind yourself how good of a person you are.

Self-esteem, I’ve learned is feeling good about yourself. Self-worth is about comparing yourself to someone else in your world and not betraying yourself. Don’t ignore red flags.

It’s not worth it to keep the peace if there’s not peace within you too.

Know your worth and know your value because you are exchanging that to someone else and hopefully getting back what you’re worth.

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