My wife died of cancer after 10-years. It spread really, really fast.
I was the only person that was there for her through that entire two years, so I fed her I cleaned her, I shopped for her, I took her to all of her appointments, I gave her pills, I had to give her shots in the stomach every 12-hours. It was life-altering.
It built a super-strong bond that was going to break no matter what. That was a hard reality to face.
No matter how strong I was, no matter how perfectly I did anything and everything, no matter what happened, no matter what we did there wasn’t a way out.
She had things that she voiced that she wanted me to go do. It’s hard to hear at the time. It’s hard to hear your partner telling you to move on when there’s nothing in the world farther from your mind. I wasn’t sure what to do with that. It took me a long time to figure out what to do with that after she died.
I did everything wrong. I immediately jumped into a sexual relationship after she died. Parly it was good and partly it was bad. The emotional toll it took on me was unexpected even though it was a sexual relationship…it was not emotionally attached. It was more of a distraction. That made me feel guilty.
As much as I was feeling guilty, I knew nothing I was doing was wrong. Coming to terms with that was difficult. I live a whole new life now. When she died I gave up everything.
After she died it taught me how short and precious life really is.
The beautiful things I used to take advantage of any more I can’t take advantage of anymore.
I don’t have any choice but to see those beautiful things in my life in a new way now because I have fundamentally changed. Her death showed me something very precious in life that I had never experienced before and that experience opened up something in me as much as it closed off other parts of me, it opened up new ones. I’m a new me.
I have more compassion for people who have gone through and experienced death in a way that I never did before. I’ve spent a lot of time in the last year crying but it was good crying. It wasn’t bad crying. I didn’t spend any time crying absolute remorse. I spent a lot of time crying in beauty.
The two years of my life I spent taking care of her with every piece of my soul are going to stick with me forever but they were beautiful. As hard and as terrible as they were, they were still beautiful.
I miss her cooking so much. I miss her food. I miss her wonderful food and I miss taking her coffee in the morning. That was part of our morning routine. That morning routine was rough after she died. I did not know what to do.
I couldn’t stay in our house with all of our stuff, sleeping in the bed that she died in. When I let it all go it changed everything for me.
I can’t think of one thing that isn’t different now.
It has specifically shown me how much I want to be in love with someone. I don’t really want to be alone. After she died, I did.
One of the things she specifically asked was for me to try to move on and find someone else to be happy with. I spent a lot of time thinking about that.
I started dating again which was weird and hard and awkward and uncomfortable but at the same time, it’s proof that I’m moving forward.
After all the years my mother and I could never get along, my mom has been really amazing through all of this, really amazing.
Neither of us was the same person and I needed to give her the opportunity because life is too short. I needed to fix a lot of things with a lot of people in my life. I’m just a different person now. I’m so different from top to bottom and inside and out. Those relationships have value to me now that they didn’t have before because I was so caught up in life that I didn’t really care about the value of those relationships.
Never give up. As much as it seems like it may be the end for some people. You just don’t know how you’re going to possibly go on, all of a sudden, magically you will have moved on and you won’t even know it, but never give up.
You can love again. I didn’t know if I could and I can. I can love again. It’s not going to hurt Vera because I chose to love again. Don’t be too hard on the people around you while you are going through this. They only care, they only want to love you and make your life easier in any way that they can, so try to accept some of the help that those around you give you. Don’t worry, you’ll never forget her.