I was with my partner for 29 years. One Saturday morning I was outside gardening and Ed came home from spin class on a Saturday morning and said I don’t feel so well.
He was in the bathroom showering when I heard this thump and I went into the bathroom and he had fallen and he was lying flat on his stomach.
I called 911 and they walked me through doing CPR. I was doing CPR when about 7-8 minutes later the police came and they took over doing CPR. 5-6 minutes later EMS came. It took almost 30-minutes for the ambulance to get there.
I was in shock. He was 56, a pediatrician going to spin class, and 29 years together I was in shock. I was just standing there.
Some of it is hard to remember because a lot of it is kind of foggy. I think I called my mom and dad while I was in the car.
My life upended at that moment.
Things were just surreal at that moment.
I remember wondering where my life was going to go. We had plans. We had planned on retiring and doing things and that whole plan, in an instant, just changed.
We had a really good life. I loved my job, he loved his job and his patients. I don’t know if it was a fairytale life, but it was good.
I can remember in my early teens and 20’s when I first came out as being gay thinking, what is my life going to be like? It’s not going to be a wife and kids and the house with a white picket fence, but times have changed and we had that life. A life that I never in a million years thought I could ever have.
We had good friends and family was accepting, the community was accepting, we didn’t live in the closet.
He always had this motto, it’s not my motto, you only live once. I know you’ve heard that before but he always said that.
I was really probably in shock for a couple of weeks. I went through the movements, the emotions of life after the dust settled. I love to cook and I love to eat and I probably didn’t cook a meal for two weeks. I was barely eating and eating terribly.
I thought to myself, I’m not an alone kind of person. I haven’t been alone in nearly 30 years. I don’t want to be alone. This is probably now a month after he died. I thought to myself, how long do I go through this mourning process? and I went online.
Right away I clicked on this guy I thought was really cute, a lot younger than me but he didn’t seem to mind. He was a nurse. We met one weekday after work and we met and I was very attracted to him and he was apparently very attracted to me. We had a wonderful sushi dinner.
We really hit it off, we kissed in the car, and off he went. Three years later, we’re engaged to be married next year.
I don’t want to be alone. I want to be happy. We are now so happy.
You have to at least seek out that person. That person is not going to come knocking on your door saying, do you want to be my spouse? It ain’t happenin’ that way!
I found love twice when I never thought it was going to happen.
It’s like I was 21 all over again. The feeling of love and the feeling of lust doesn’t change because you get older. Your heart beats faster when you talk to him my blood pressure probably went up.
He was worried about the rebound effect. He was also falling in love with me. The feelings were mutual.
It wasn’t a rebound because I knew I was looking for a partner. I wasn’t looking for that one night stand. I wanted someone to share my life with, to share my house with, my home, my dogs. I knew this wasn’t that rebound effect just because I’d had a loss.
We became a couple pretty quickly. We moved in 2 years later. We spent a lot of time together in those first two years so I don’t think I rushed it. It just happened.
It took me actively looking. It took two to look.
He was looking for me and I was looking for him.
Was I lucky? Was he lucky that we found each other at that time? I don’t know if it’s luck, but it happened and I feel lucky. I feel honored and grateful. It turned out to be really wonderful.
I want to take care of him. That’s what love is.
He’s a hero and he’s certainly my hero.
I don’t want to sound cliche here but life does not end when your spouse passes away. Your life goes on.
Realistically speaking, I wanted my life to go on and I wanted to be happy because I’d been happy most of my life. I wanted to pursue happiness again and I found it.
I hope I can help one person. If I can help one person through the tragedy I went through it will all be worth it.