The first time was nearly eight years ago when I went through my high-conflict divorce. It was awful. And then I guess again it has happened recently too and it was a bit more of a surprise than I thought.
It was feeling like not again, here we go.
We had been together for nearly three years and we decided to blend our families. I’ve got two kids and so has he and they all got along fabulously.
I had made myself emotionally unwell going through this dilemma. The whole stress of it all I literally got sick for probably 6-weeks. I wasn’t sleeping, I was waking up and I was just stressed.
I think when you’ve been through it once before and you’ve waited so long to meet somebody again it was like, really? Again?
We’ve always had a great relationship where we’ve spoken about things and it has brought us closer together and that’s what I loved about our relationship.
We decided to live separately and see what would happen then.
This time around there was a lot more sitting and reflecting. I sat with it, I thought about it, I did some inner work and some journaling, you know…all the things you’re supposed to do and there was that part of me that was like, “I’ve failed again.”
We all have flaws. We’re perfectly imperfect people.
I was an absolute emotional mess for about 6-weeks.
We took some time apart and he really honored me and my need to not talk about it.
Why not? No harm could come from it. The mind was going crazy.
It’s been quite a journey. A lot of self-reflection and digging deeper and feeling into it.
I had to stop the thinking and tap into the feelings of my heart and what was my intuition telling me.
I didn’t want to have tension in the house for the kids. I wanted the kids to have peace and calm.
The mind wanted to take over. My pattern was a great guy, a good man but this is my feelings. It was a constant head-heart intuition battle. I had to have conversations with myself to trust in my body and my intuition.
I literally sat out in the car two days ago and burst into tears. It doesn’t make sense but I had to trust. It will be okay. You know the cycle. Allow the emotions and get the learning.
I had to come back to what was right for me. I had to trust and have faith in myself and my feelings.
When I had my divorce I couldn’t imagine getting through it. I felt like it was always going to be that way. This time around I knew that it would feel different sooner than when I thought. I knew it wasn’t a failing.
No one really wants to hurt anyone. The grief cycle is important to go through.
What’s been hard this time because I’m being the one who’s the breaker-upper. I’m not used to that.
Logically it doesn’t make sense but I had to go with what I’ve learned.
I had to own my part in it for sure.
Breathe. Do your inner work. Do the self-care. Do the emotional stuff because that’s what’s going to drive the decisions anyway. Have those heartfelt conversations with your partner and just come from an absolute place of love for yourself. When it comes time to have that conversation no one is ever really ready, but it has to be done. On the other side of that is freedom. You’ve got to face that fear and come from a place of love and trust in yourself. Take the time to nurture yourself.