Maria L: The sadness came because I felt I was the failure

May 10, 2021

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was married for a very long time. I got married really young and I thought the world was a perfect place. I found myself falling out of love and very lonely and that took us to the journey of years trying to fix what was broken and realizing you can’t and then it was the sad part of the journey where you have to say goodbye.

I found myself single in my 30s. It was a very scary time.

That was years trying to discover why I felt that way. I don’t believe in getting married with the “let’s see if it works”. I believe in getting married with “it will work”. The sadness came because I felt I was the failure. However, I learned that I wasn’t. The sadness came with losing what I thought was going to be the rest of my life as well as losing the love feeling that I had for that person. I really had that warm and homey feeling around them for so many years.

It took me 3 years to admit to anybody else that I was feeling this way. Even to him. It was a very big self-discovery. I felt so sad.

It’s a very very very personal journey.

I couldn’t believe I opened my mouth and admitted it to another human because then it made it real. I think that’s where the fear started setting in.

We were this perfect couple in the eyes of the universe.

Now we have to deal with this. Now we have to take action on what we just said. I have to face him, face my fears, face the future without him, face everything…and it’s going to be a very big mountain to climb.

I knew there was going to be good at the end of it all, but just the fear of getting there.

I was raised by my grandparents so abandonment was my number one fear in my world. When your parents abandon you that kind of scars you forever. That fear bled into our marriage. I felt like he abandoned our marriage and that’s what created this whole sadness thing.

Before I talked to anyone it was reading or listening to books by a lot of others who had been here before me, taking it all in and understanding what I was about to do and how it was going to affect me. I tell people I broke myself down and I put myself back together again.

Back when this happened therapy was not a big thing. I do believe in therapy and I believe it is a wonderful thing. Girlfriends were your answer. The process was digging deep, figuring out where I was, becoming really raw with myself, holding myself responsible for what I did wrong, rebuilding myself again, and then being able to make that final decision.

I had two girlfriends who held me together and helped me get through.

My lawyer said to me, the emotional rollercoaster you about to enter into is going to be very dramatic.

I believe you are never alone. I believe you do have to open yourself up and receive the help people give you. You have to know you cannot do anything alone and asking for help is a beautiful thing.

I feel like it was another lifetime ago, even though it wasn’t that long ago. I feel like I have grown up tremendously. I have discovered strength. Even though I was a strong person to begin with I have discovered strength I never knew I had. I have become much more compassionate. I find myself wanting to help other people going through anything dramatic because I understand the fear. I also believe in love. I believe one sad story doesn’t mean your life is a sad story.

I used to say to my children, adjust and move on. Don’t dwell on it. Dwelling doesn’t do any good.

I changed for the better. I was a good person to begin with but I changed for the better. I feel like I have so much strength now. I am myself. I look in the mirror and go, I know who you are and that is an incredible feeling.

For me, strength was the ability to put myself first. I had never done that before. I came last emotionally. I came last in strength. Now I do put myself first. If I’m happy everybody will be happy. I will give more. I will be more. I will create more.

When I was single I realized what a good mom I was, even more than before. I realized what a beautiful woman I was, and I’m not talking on the outside, I’m talking on the inside.

I realized what I could offer to the world without someone by myself or holding my hand. That was a wonderful time. I found me again. That was such a huge huge deal.

I wanted to make sure I knew, who is Maria? I wanted to give back to society, back to the world, and remain really good friends with my ex.

Forgiveness is a big deal. I had to forgive him for things as I had to forgive myself. That was the aftermath of it all.

I was raided with goodness. Nobody ever told me the truth because it protected me.

I wanted to make sure they know their dad was a good person and that they had a strong family unit.

When you fall in love, fall in love for the right reasons. Get to know the person. Live with that person. Get to know each other.

I don’t know what the future holds. But I can tell you right now that my heart is at peace.

Take a deep breath and understand that you are the only person that matters in this world. You have got to live the life that you’re meant to live and sometimes that means the person standing in front of you is not supposed to live that life with you.

You have to move forward no matter what happens. We are blessed with the gift that we have been given which is the gift of life. Just understand that you have to fight for your happiness.

If that means the next season that you’re in is going to be difficult, it’s going to be scary and you’re going to face some really brutal moments. They will be gone. Everything goes away. Everything cycles in life. You will find happiness. You just have to walk through this journey to get there.

Put your shoulders back, chest out, chin up, and realize you are the most precious thing in the world and you have to take care of yourself first and foremost so that you can take care of everybody else around you. Just go out and get your happiness, no matter what that means. Face your fears.

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